I lay back down on my pillow and heard him place the slip of paper on my sheets. He shut the door quietly behind him, and there was a murmur of voices in the corridor outside. I rolled over onto my side and looked at the paper, as thin as my skin. I could feel the bones of my knees pressing together, the hollowness inside me. I curled my fingers and toes and shut my eyes. Sometimes it is worse to know than not know. I didn’t want to know what my mum had to say. If they had buried Jack. If his remains were never found. The ship pitched to starboard—the weather was worsening—and the movement caused the paper to fall. I forced myself to climb down from the bunk to snatch it. I knew I had to look.

JACK’S SERVICE HELD TODAY AT MILTON PRESBYTERIAN. KEEP GOING TO ROY. NOTHING NEEDED HERE. LOVE, MUM, DAD AND FRED.

They had said goodbye without me.

I must have cried out, because Brynn rushed in.

‘Are you okay, Sarah? What happened?’

I shook my head, holding the paper out to her. ‘They’ve had the funeral. I’ve got to keep going.’

She sat beside me and gathered me in her arms, so that my head was in her lap.

‘Oh, Sarah. I’m so sorry.’ Her fingers in my hair were like leaves, and I slept beneath a eucalypt in the paddock, dreaming back what I’d left and lost.

•

Brynn helped me shower and change. I hadn’t washed my clothes all week so she lent me a top and a pair of trousers. We were close in size, but she was a little taller, so they were baggy around my ankles. I had never had a pair of trousers. I rolled them up and she brushed my hair after it was dry. The other girls had returned to the cabin and Brynn told them the news for me. I was glad not to have to speak, merely nodding at their murmured condolences. As we walked down the corridor to the dining room, I felt like I had been split open and glued back together again, but not quite in the right places. I didn’t know what to say or how to move my face anymore. It all felt somehow wrong.

The dining room was nearly empty as mealtime was almost over. Brynn went to the counter to ask if there was any broth I could have; she said she would tell them I had been ill. As she walked off I saw some women who were getting up from a nearby table look at me intently. They left, talking in low voices. I wanted to shrink into my seat.

Jim appeared from behind me and sat in the chair beside mine. ‘Is there anything you’d like me to do?’

I shook my head.