I lay in my bunk for the next four days, curled as tight as a cat, pressing my face into the blankets, wishing myself home. None of the others knew what to do with me. I heard Min whispering, ‘Oh, how awful, can you imagine?’ and Barbara shushing her. Brynn approached with offers of toast and mugs of cocoa. I lay looking out the porthole and watched the ocean and sky, a line that moved up and down and only changed marginally in hue—the water nearly always darker, always the thing beneath. I knew that he would have died an awful death. Beaten and starved, sick until he could work no more. I found small ways to hurt myself, which stopped the thoughts for moments. Pulling out my hair, strand by strand. Digging my fingernails into my skin so hard they left angry red crescents.

The rain kept coming for days, a flood of water. I dreamed of Blackie’s warm muzzle, her cold death. I dreamed I left her in a valley where she drowned, unable to swim, still tied to her chain.

On the fourth day Jim came. ‘There’s another message,’ he said.

I sat bolt upright and banged my head on the ceiling.

‘Careful.’ He winced.

The others left the cabin, but I could sense Min behind the door, her ear to the metal. I hoped Brynn would drag her away.

‘It’s from your mum,’ he said, and my skin was sharp with goosebumps.

I hadn’t eaten or bathed in days, hadn’t brushed my hair, and I imagined briefly what I must look like to Jim. He didn’t seem to care.

He took the slip of paper out of his pocket and cleared his throat. He suddenly thought of something and went pale. ‘Do you want me to get Miss Farr?’

‘God, no. Just read the bloody thing.’

I could see him force down a smile at my language. I nearly smiled myself then, remembering the phrase my father used to use: ‘foul enough to make a sailor blush’.

Dad would be proud.

The message was only a few words copied onto a slip of paper. Had Jim written them down or the radio operator? There were so many strangers who must be speaking about me in hushed voices.

Jim was holding up the paper for me but I couldn’t see the words. My eyes were swimming with tears.

‘Just go. I want to read it alone.’