I skipped field trips and changed the way I moved through the halls. I hid in the girls’ bathroom so often I memorised the graffiti in the stalls. Samantha loves Jason 4Eva. Eric has a big dick. For good times call 843-2353. Chastity is a Cunt. I sat on the other side of the classroom, as far away from Jake as I could. I sat with Amy and our other friends in the cafeteria, picking at the salad or the sandwich on my tray. I didn’t look up when groups of guys walked past.

One day he was on my school bus home. I was sitting beside Phuong, who was in my PE class, but she got off at the stop before mine. When she left he shifted and sat beside me. His headphones cradled his neck.

‘What’re you doing?’

‘Going home.’

‘Can I come over?’

Later on I thought of all the things I could have said. My mom doesn’t let me have friends over. I have too much homework. I have gymnastics practice. None of it was true. But I could have lied. I was getting good at lying. Why could I not find that word? No.

I did say no, later, when we were lying on my bed and he pulled my jeans down to my ankles. But I said it softly, so maybe he didn’t hear me. And it wasn’t exactly no. ‘I don’t want to,’ I said. ‘I don’t want this.’

It hurt because he didn’t even touch me first, like he had on the bus. All my muscles were tense. It wasn’t going to fit, but he kept trying, pushing, and I was crying, and finally he stood, zipped up his pants, grabbed his backpack.

‘Gotta go,’ he said. ‘Basketball practice. See you round.’

When he’d left I pulled up my jeans, ran downstairs and locked the door. I looked in the mirror and saw where I had bitten my lip on the inside until it bled. I filled the bathtub and sat in it. I was still there when my mom came home. She opened the bathroom door, after calling and calling and me not responding, and I was lying there, the heat lamp on, prone in the cold tub, shivering. I saw her cringe at the sight of my naked body, as she took in the bones and the gaps.

‘Oh, honey, what’s wrong?’ she said, grabbing the towel from the rack and holding it out to me.

‘I’m so fat,’ I said. ‘I’m so fat I want to die.’

CHAPTER 25

CHAPTER 25

Dear Mum,