‘I hadn’t played for years, but then I just thought – why not get a piano again? They don’t cost much, second-hand. It was delivered today. Would you like to come in?’

Did she know? Had I knocked something over, or left some sign that I’d been in her house? I thought of the pills I’d found, and realised I was trembling. I tried to keep my voice light. ‘Oh, no, I should get dinner started.’

She tutted. ‘Nick better start helping more. You can’t be running about when you’re in your third trimester, can you?’ Something about it sounded threatening, but I couldn’t put my finger on what.

‘I, uh, yes, I’ll tell him. Goodnight, Nora.’

‘Goodnight.’

I almost ran across the road, having utterly failed to confront her, doubting all my judgement and feelings and sense. Doubting everything.

When you and I were together, those few months, the world seemed bright. Summer, and birds in the trees, and the deep-belly thrill of your emails popping into our secret account. The possibility that life could be different.

This was the other side of all that. The hangover after the party, the recession after a boom. Me at home, pregnant and terrified, waiting for the police to come, waiting for Nora to strike. Now that I’d lost you, it seemed to me the hardest thing a human would ever have to face was how to live without the person their heart was tied to. Every day I had to remind my brain and body I was never going to see you again. Remind my skin it would never feel your hands again. Remind my hands they would never touch your back as you slept. Never. I don’t think humans are really built to understand what that means. I told myself it should have been easy. All I had to do was go into my house, and shut the door, and live out the rest of my life without you.

Eleanor

Eleanor

Suzi had been gone all day again, and she hadn’t told me why. Obscurely, I felt angry that she was still keeping secrets from me, Nora, her helpful and understanding friend. Watching her cross the road to Willow Cottage, I pulled my laptop towards me. I was glad I’d bought it, despite the inroads it had made into my depleted finances. It certainly made all my activities easier. It was almost like a job these days, doing my research.