I shivered, envious of Suzi’s thick windows – the panes here let in draughts of cold air, and I’d had to wedge a rug against the door, it was so cold. When it got dark – before four already, so early – I came out of my unpacking daze and found myself alone in a damp, cold, cheerless house. I had no food in. I hadn’t set up my lamps and candles or television, or figured out how to use the heating. I’d hesitated over putting my husband’s picture out, and in the end decided to keep it in a drawer by my bed. I didn’t need it out, reminding me every second. Besides, it might upset Suzi if she saw it. I’d seen her face when I mentioned I was a widow.

Overwhelmed, I sat down on the stairs, with their old patterned carpet. What am I doing here? I couldn’t answer it. They say grief is close to madness. Perhaps I was mad. The noise of my phone ringing made me jump; it sounded so loud in the silence. ‘Hello?’

It was Eddie, the lawyer I’d used since I was sixteen. The only person still around who’d known me when I was a child. A short, wheezy man, close to retirement; I was so happy to hear his voice I almost cried. ‘I don’t have good news, I’m afraid,’ he said, when he’d finished asking about the cottage (I lied, said it was charming).

‘Oh.’ It seemed like a long time since anyone had good news for me. I wasn’t sure it was possible any more. ‘The money?’

‘The forensic accounting didn’t turn up anything. No secret accounts or trusts. It looks as if it really is gone. And as you know, the life insurance was cancelled last year. I’m so sorry, dear.’

I hadn’t believed it when he first told me. It didn’t make any sense. ‘No, no, there’s plenty,’ I’d insisted. I couldn’t have said how much, but I’d always had the impression it was limitless for all the things I wanted. Comfortable. Not something I needed to worry about.

‘I’m sorry. The accounts just seem to be . . . depleted. There’s nothing there.’

It was an interesting word to choose. I felt that way myself – diminished. Drained. Empty. A husk of a person, in a husk of a house. All I had left was a certain wild pride, and a drive to keep on going, in case I looked down and saw the gaping abyss I was balanced over. ‘Thank you, Eddie.’ I hung up before he could hear me cry.

Suzi

Suzi