How long had I waited to hear those words? How many times had they been waiting on her lips, on either of our lips, though we never uttered them? She loved me, and I loved her. I had perhaps known it all along, ever since our first kiss, maybe even our very first shared glance.

And it didn’t amount to anything.

Before that moment I always believed that heartbreak was a singular thing, something one person does to another. Perhaps to an onlooker, it was me that was breaking Connie’s heart at that moment, or maybe her breaking mine, but I knew that even heartbreak was something we shared. Her lip curled in and her eyes welled up and I had to look away, afraid that even then I would lose my resolve and try to embrace her, comfort her.

For the first time I thought I finally understand her shrewd caginess, so unlike my own. That obstinate pride that kept her from revealing her true self to anyone at all for fear of a rebuff.

I still refused to look at her when I finally brought myself to whisper; “Then…be with me.”

“Alex…”

I sucked in a deep breath and closed my eyes. “Connie—if you love me—if I asked you to be with me—to really be with me—would you do it? If we just said fuck it to the rumors and our reputations and everything else—”

Her voice shook under the pressure of everything she held back. “Don’t ask me to do that, Alex…You know that I couldn’t.” She paused. “Do you really think you could?” She seemed almost bewildered at such a notion, and I wasn’t entirely sure I blamed her. How could she ever understand something like that, when pride, conceit, would always be of paramount standing in her heart? I looked into the eyes I knew so well—and yet felt I knew so little.

“Why would you tell me you love me if it doesn’t change anything?” I asked her, my voice catching, but she simply stared blankly back at me as if she didn’t quite understand herself. “I don’t care about the rumors, Connie. Have you ever seen me care about what anyone else thinks of me? No one except you. Being popular and well-liked…it’s fun, sure, but it’s just because of you. You could have been the most hated girl in the school and I still would have wanted to be your friend because I was just—mesmerized by you. I’m still mesmerized by you. But everyone else…I care about Orla, and Molly’s not so bad—but being popular and all the rest of it just isn’t that important to me. Not as important as you. Connie, just think—what’s the worst thing that could happen?”

“The worst thing? I can’t—did you see Emily’s face, Alex? She was disgusted. She looked like she was going to be sick. Can you imagine everyone looking at you like that?”

“That’s Emily. She’s just one person. Other people, though…You’d be a lot less bothered by what everyone thinks about you if you’d realize how little anyone really does. Why are you basing everything on other people? Just…Just do things for yourself.”