“Not always.”

Connie sat up slightly and reached across me for the TV remote. She switched off whatever shite we were pretending to watch. “What do you think about coming out?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean—is it something you think you’ll do?”

I pursed my lips. “I’m not ashamed of being gay, if that’s what you mean. I’m not going to spend my entire life living a lie.”

“I know that.”

“But—it’s not like I have plans to come out, or anything of the sort. It’ll happen someday, I’m sure. But like, what’s the point? I don’t have anything to gain from it right now and I know that if I did come out…I’d lose you. Lose this. Right now, that’s not exactly worth it.”

“Well, I’m glad you agree on that front. Aren’t you afraid, though? About what would happen if you did?” She glanced away from me. “Or what would happen if somebody found out about us?”

“Well, of course. The thought of being bullied, or looked down on, or anything like that—it scares me as much as it would scare anyone. But knowing that there’s such an important part of who I am that I have to keep hidden away from the rest of the world, knowing that I’m not really being myself…It hurts, sometimes. The more I lie, the less I feel like my real self. How long can you wear a mask before that mask becomes your true face? But sure…maybe I’ll meet someone, someday, who’ll make me brave enough to not care. Someone who’ll be brave with me.” I sighed, leaning my head back and shutting my eyes. “I dunno. I guess I’m just hoping a time will come when the pros of coming out will outweigh the cons.”

Connie deliberated over that a moment longer. “That makes sense.” She shook her head then, her words tumbling out a touch quicker than before. “Do you think we’re acting stupid? With what we’re doing? All of it. I mean—I have so much fun with you. But I’m not—you know—a lesbian.” The word sounded sour coming from her mouth. “I just…It’s just fun to be with you. And I know we shouldn’t be so stupid, but I want to.” Her own sigh was heavier than mine and her voice wavered slightly. “God, I shouldn’t, should I? I want to keep being stupid. What’s wrong with me, Alex? I don’t—I just don’t understand. And I know we’re being really fucking stupid. But we’re careful, aren’t we? Nobody is gonna find out.”

I let her curl up closer to me and began to trace delicate patterns on her arms. I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on the girl next to me and not on the thoughts that were racing through my mind, on the way my stomach clenched uncomfortably every time she felt the need to repeat that same conversation. Every time she had to reaffirm that this was just a stupidly fun game.

“I know I asked to come over so we could fuck,” she mumbled into my neck. “But do you think maybe we could just cuddle instead?”