She’s getting closer. I’ll just go to her and tell her who I am. Ask her to stay. At least for one more day. Or more. Why would she go back? She said there’s nothing left for her in New York.

I take a few deep breaths, trying to find the courage to do this absolutely crazy thing.

One step closer.

I will do it. I don’t want to regret not being brave enough. What I’ve felt for her in these last twenty-four hours, I’ve never felt for anyone.

I stop. My heart is pounding like crazy. I feel it in my throat. I’ll just go and talk to her. How hard can it be? I don’t want to rehearse it. Just be natural. Me.

One more step.

I don’t hear the car, and I see it at the last possible minute. It’s a Lift, the same one from earlier. He’s here. Daniel gets out and he doesn’t seem to notice me or if he does, there’s no shred of recognition in his eyes.

I was wrong. I was so wrong. They didn’t break up. He came to get her.

That heart-thumping leads to my temples thumping and a slight queasiness.

He walks over to Maya and hugs her, and I know I should be looking elsewhere, I shouldn’t do this to myself, but I do.

Don’t kiss him. Just don’t kiss him. It’s crazy and it happened fast, but these are not feelings you can ignore. I can’t. Push him away. Choose me.

I close my eyes for a moment and when I open them, I see them kissing and now the queasiness is all I feel. I’m frozen in place, staring at them.

I feel so ridiculous, betrayed and walked all over like a used carpet. Was this all just a game to her? A game I joined willingly, like the fool I am. She saw an opportunity to kill time and not be alone on her birthday, and she took it. Who’s to blame for believing it was more than that? Who made this day happen? Who pushed boundaries? Who wanted more? Me. It’s my fault.

I can’t believe I let myself be swept up in this impossible fantasy. I allowed myself to hope and dream ridiculous, unrealistic things. It was nothing but a fleeting moment to her. How ironic that of all the things I’ve been through, this one managed to crush me in ways I didn’t even know were possible. No face, no name, no number. No importance. That’s me to her.

I walk away, head down, heart in pieces and that ridiculous song from the Nineties keeps popping in my head. Shut up! Now I’ll never be able to listen to it ever again without remembering this moment.

Fifty-Six

It’s four in the morning when I read that last page of Ethan’s book and I’m crying.

He saw me with David. He saw us kissing. I did break his heart and I didn’t mean to.