I had been wrong to stick too firmly to my principles. What was preventing me writing about Valérie after a conversation about both of our lives? I started to enjoy our discussion, and the thoughts it was provoking. By interrogating me about Marie, she had forced me to put what I’d experienced into words. Something I’d never done before, or not enough anyway. Whenever some of my friends tried to get me to talk about it, I would always change the subject. Whereas now I found myself amazed by the slightly autobiographical turn that this book was taking. But that’s always how it is: only by moving away from things are you able to get closer to them. Rushing into the lives of others, I had ended up meeting myself. But was that something I wanted to do?

1. 14. I had never seen such rhythmic discordance between walking and talking before.

2. 15. It is perhaps in my relationships with women that I am most obviously a writer of fiction.

49

Valérie felt more or less the same way. She ended up talking about herself, telling me that our meeting had acted like a catalyst. ‘I’ve realised so many things since you started asking me about myself. Everybody should have someone like you in their life: a writer lacking inspiration.’

‘That’s kind of you.’

‘I’m joking, but it’s true. In the past two days, I’ve seen everything in a different light.’

‘For example?’

‘I feel like I can’t wait any more. My light is going out. I didn’t have to talk to you for long before realising that everything was wrong with my life. I’m forty-five, and I feel a sort of urgent need inside me. It can’t go on like this.’

‘It’s normal to go through periods of doubt.’

‘This isn’t doubt, it’s a fact.’

‘So you really want to leave your husband?’

‘Yes.’

‘I’m not going to judge you, but I have the impression that you’re being a bit hasty. That things aren’t as black and white as you seem to believe.’

‘Maybe, but I need to make a decision. I need to move forward. To change my life.’

‘You could do things gradually.’

‘What does that mean? Take a lover? I don’t want that.’

‘No, I meant taking some time for yourself …’

‘Like going on holiday alone for a week? Do you seriously think that’s what I need? I’m not interested in half-measures. I need to make a decision and be clear.’

‘…’

‘Don’t make that face. I’m ready to deal with the consequences. I’m even ready to be proved wrong. But my life can’t go on like this.’

A silence fell then, mainly because I didn’t know what to say. She seemed determined to leave her husband, but there had been no hint of tragedy in her voice. I continued to believe that she wasn’t fully aware of the significance of her words. Sometimes people announce a big decision in a fit of passion. But once that decision is made, they’re confronted with a radical new reality. She didn’t seem, to me, to be taking into account the suffering her choice would create. She hadn’t mentioned Patrick’s probable devastation or how her children would feel. There comes a moment in many people’s lives where they see only their own survival, and I could completely understand that. She’d talked about an urgent need, then she’d said, almost with a smile: ‘Life’s too short.’ The phrase everyone uses when their lack of fulfilment becomes unbearable.