‘Well, it’s true that everything’s a bit half-hearted these days. It’s good to hear some passion. And they’re often right. Their opinion means a lot to me. We’re lucky to have such excellent cultural guides.’

‘Perfect! And maybe you should say they’re attractive too …’

‘Now you mention it, that’s true … they have beautiful voices. It’s like honey in my ears.’

‘…’

I shot Valérie the relieved smile of someone who’s just been acquitted of a crime.

48

The waiter wandered nonchalantly over to our table, then began speaking very fast.¹⁴ Consequently, I didn’t really hear what he said about the dish he most recommended, but I ordered it anyway. Valérie took her time looking at the menu. She kept hesitating, changing her mind, and the waiter grew annoyed. He kept smiling though. Another dichotomy: pleasant irritation. In the end, she opted for the same dish as me, adding coquettishly: ‘I can’t help being influenced by you!’ This woman missed no opportunity to flirt. And the more I drew for her an unflattering picture of myself, the more she seemed to admire my self-deprecation. It is very difficult to change someone’s opinion about you, whether positive or negative, once they’ve made up their mind. I could always become insufferable, but if I did that I risked losing her. Apart from a few masochists, very few people are likely to want to confide in a psychopath. So what was I to do? My position was starting to appear untenable.

Valérie continued her inquisition. No matter how much I protested that I didn’t want to talk about myself, she kept interrogating me. Anyone would have thought she wanted to write a book about my life. She sipped her champagne, then her wine, and asked me increasingly intimate questions. This really wasn’t going well. I couldn’t stop the flood of seductive looks and hints. I felt as if I was Marty McFly in Back to the Future, meeting his mother during his journey into the past. In the film, the hero’s young mother falls for him in a big way, endangering his future existence: if she doesn’t fall in love with his father, little Marty will never be conceived. The same was true for me now: I was altering the trajectories of the lives I wanted to describe.

I had agreed to answer one question about myself per day, but this was getting out of hand. She wanted me to talk about Marie. How we met, what we were like together, how it ended. It was all so complicated: how can you summarise the life and death of a love affair? I can admit it now, and Valérie will only learn this by reading these lines, but I decided I had to lie to her.

‘After my last conversation with you, that very evening, I wrote to Marie. I asked her if she still preferred solitude to me. She replied straight away, and we’ve exchanged a few messages. I think both of us are happy that we’re back in touch. I’ve learned a lot from her recently. I wasn’t supportive enough when she needed me. And that made her want to step away from the relationship. But, reading her messages, I get the feeling that she misses me a little bit. So we decided to see each other again. In fact, all of this is kind of thanks to you. It was your reaction that prompted me to write to her.’