Penny took a breath and decided to just go for it. I saw you playing on Bumble when I was coming back from the bathroom last night, she explained. So obviously you just weren’t that into me. I’m not saying your ex isn’t back in the picture, but even if she isn’t you decided you didn’t fancy me. And that is totally cool! That’s ok!!! But I’ve been really unlucky with dating, and I wondered if there was something I did to mess it up? She hoped she didn’t sound like she was begging him to change his mind. She sent another message: Honestly, I’m not trying to be a bitch or anything. I really am hoping you can solve the mystery (to me) of my eternal singledom!

Cristian is typing, her phone promised, before his reply pinged back.

lol. Soz that u saw that. Not that we r married or anything lol.

Lol, she replied.

Penny hated that she had replied with a ‘lol’. She hated that she was even asking the question. The man couldn’t even spell his texts properly! But if she was going to message Francesco, she wanted information first. She wanted to know how to protect herself. She wanted to make sure that if there was one thing that was turning these men off that she knew, once and for all, what it was, so she could decide if she was willing to change it or not.

Cristian continued: I mean, ur fit and everything, so don’t worry about that.

Thanks. You too!

It took everything she had in her not to add an emoji, but he didn’t deserve the happy face with the jazz hands. Was Cristian always this much of a moron? Penny reflected that they hadn’t really exchanged many messages before they’d gone out together – she’d just straight up asked him out, because it was draining to keep messaging and she didn’t have time in her schedule to waste. He was an eloquent conversationalist – or, at least, she remembered him as one. Although … huh. Now she thought about it, he hadn’t asked her many questions about herself, and he did tend to explain things to her that she already knew, even after she had said she knew them. Bloody hell, maybe I’ve been so desperate to couple up that I willingly got dickmatized, she thought, remembering what her best friend Sharon had said to her about straight women who become hypnotized into forgetting their partner’s flaws at the promise of sex. ‘And it doesn’t even have to be good sex!’ Sharon had insisted. ‘Just a warm body to wake up next to!’ Bugger, thought Penny. Bugger, bugger, bugger.

Penny’s realization was interrupted by his reply.

If I was gonna say anyting maybe your laff is a bit loud

My laugh is too loud?