By the time Mom came to pick me up from the playground where we sang “Happy Birthday” and ate Ben’s cake, I had pretty much forgotten about the whole thing, but Ben’s mom hadn’t. She took my mom over to a tree and talked to her. I could see Mom nodding.

“You didn’t like the boat ride, huh?” Mom asked me on the way to the subway. She had her hand on my shoulder.

“I hated it,” I said.

Miriam says that, a lot of the time, behind the feeling “I hate this” are other feelings. Like maybe “I’m afraid of this” is hiding behind “I hate this.” And maybe hiding behind “I’m afraid of this” is “I don’t know what’s going to happen next” or “I don’t know if I can do this.” There are a lot of feelings behind feelings.

When Miriam first told me about that, I got a picture in my mind’s eye of a girl standing very still, with someone hiding behind her, and someone else behind her. And they’re all perfectly straight so that no one can tell how many people are actually there. Sometimes I feel exactly like that. Like I’m a bunch of different Beas, all lined up to look like one. I wondered if Sonia ever felt that way. But I didn’t know how to ask her.

Sisters

After Pizzeria Pete’s, we went home and Sonia Skyped with her mom and her little brothers. She called her mom’s husband Dad. I looked at Jesse, but he acted like he hadn’t heard it.

In my bedroom, Sonia still hadn’t put her clothes in the bureau. They were in her suitcase next to the orange couch, which was all the way across the room again, against the wall. Jesse and Dad had made up the couch like a bed, with two pillows and a little lamp next to it.

Sonia went into the bathroom and came out wearing her nightgown and holding the clothes she’d worn that day, all rolled up into a little ball that she stuffed into her suitcase.

“Use my laundry basket.” I pointed to it. “Dad can wash everything together!”

“That’s okay,” Sonia said. “It’s only seven days. I brought enough stuff.”

It felt like Sonia was trying to make it sound like this trip was no big deal.

She got under the covers on the orange couch. She turned off her lamp and closed her eyes.

I bounced on my bed, hinting that we didn’t have to go right to sleep if we didn’t want to. “I’m glad you’re here,” I said.

I waited a long time for her to say something back, but she didn’t. I told myself maybe she just fell asleep.

Miriam says don’t lie down inside a bad feeling if you can help it.

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