“It’s beautiful,” I say, forcing back tears as I hand it back. “Shall I put it under your pillow or somewhere else safe?”

“Under my pillow is good,” she says, settling back down and closing her eyes.

I wait until I think she’s asleep. As I stand up, her eyes open.

“Mummy had a secret place where she kept things for when I’m older. And for Felix, too.”

“Did she? Where?”

My voice must sound too keen because she looks at me suspiciously, reminding me of Deborah.

“Umm...”

I wait.

She closes her eyes.

“Em?” I say, a lot more gently this time.

“She climbed up the ladder to the loft a lot before she got really tired,” she says.

I wait a few minutes longer, but she drifts off.

Back in my own bed, listening to Stuart breathing, my mind is full of questions and memories of Nina, as are my disturbed dreams when I finally manage to sleep.

Despite promising to be truthful with Stuart (can I even trust him to be honest, too?), I can’t bring myself to tell him when I discover the next day that I’m pregnant. It’s too late to take things slowly. This changes everything.

Fifteen

The last thing I feel like doing is hosting the book club meeting, but I can’t think of a good enough reason to cancel after the song and dance I made about continuing to host it. Everything, except my future child, feels less significant and unimportant. Not wishing to repeat my earlier mistake under Tamsin’s watchful gaze, or Camilla’s for that matter, I clutch a glass of white wine heavily diluted with sparkling water.

The book talk is a blur. Time drags. Greg arrives late, interrupting the flow. It veers us off track. The conversation turns to the local council’s planning permission procedures and policies. I used to be good at listening when I first joined the group. I’d make an effort to remember things about people, so I could fit in better. Now...there’s just too much else creeping through my mind.

I haven’t read the book (I do feel slightly bad about it, but I skimmed through some online reviews to get a flavor), so I nod and agree with whoever is speaking at the time. Apparently lots of people lie about the books they’ve read and the films they’ve watched. Clearly, I am not alone. I smile; I engage.

It’s not hard because there are the usual reactions: Greg likes endings tied up neatly with the villain getting their comeuppance and being carted off to prison as he insists that it is the only one-size-fits-all way to deal with society’s ills. Miriam thinks the book was too long. Abigail never likes to disagree with anyone so “loves everyone’s choices” and Tamsin is the only one, to my mind, who ever offers a balanced opinion.

Camilla leaves early, having brought Louise with her because she didn’t want to leave her alone in the guesthouse. This gives me a much-needed opportunity to catch Tamsin before she leaves.