Contents ( 45)
- Prologue
- One
- Two
- Three
- Four
- Five
- Six
- Seven
- Eight
- Nine
- Ten
- Eleven
- Twelve
- Thirteen
- Fourteen
- Fifteen
- Sixteen
- Seventeen
- Eighteen
- Nineteen
- Twenty
- Twenty-One
- Twenty-Two
- Twenty-Three
- Twenty-Four
- Twenty-Five
- Twenty-Six
- Twenty-Seven
- Twenty-Eight
- Twenty-Nine
- Thirty
- Thirty-One
- Thirty-Two
- Thirty-Three
- Thirty-Four
- Thirty-Five
- Thirty-Six
- Thirty-Seven
- Thirty-Eight
- Thirty-Nine
- Forty
- Forty-One
- Forty-Two
- Four months later...
- Acknowledgments
Much love, Nina xx
Forty-eight hours later...
Hi Nina,
I do check this mail. I’ve been expecting to hear from you subconsciously, I think, and somehow, it almost wasn’t a surprise to see your name in my inbox. I’m so, so, sorry to hear your news. How utterly devastating! My daughter, Louise, is eleven. My partner and I are on the verge of splitting up. I’ve been thinking about moving back to the UK for a while, strangely enough, but obviously it’s a big decision to make. I’ll do what I can.
I’d love to see you again. It was all a bit rushed, way too sudden toward the end. Please send pictures of your children, a pigeon pair, how lovely! How is Marie? Still the same? :)
(The smiley face really bugs me. What does it mean?)
Much love, hugs, kisses and millions of good wishes, Camilla xoxo
There isn’t much I don’t know about pregnancy, babies and young children. Technically, according to my many hours spent online figuring out how the hell to get pregnant and reading endless random pieces of information, a proper pigeon pair refers to boy-and-girl twins. An old belief was that pigeons sat on two eggs at a time, resulting in a male and a female. I have a strong, almost irrepressible urge to message Camilla and tell her that she was wrong.
But I know what it’s really about because it’s something that I actually have managed to discuss in therapy. I was jealous that Nina had children with such ease when for me, it has been an ongoing struggle filled with disappointment. The fact that it clearly wasn’t hard for Camilla either reignites fresh feelings of being the odd one out.
I read on.
I cannot tell you the relief that you may be coming over!!! We so need to talk, to catch up before it’s too late. A great weight has been lifted. Marie is fine, she’s been a good support (of course).
I’ve got important decisions to make and share with you. It’s increasingly playing on my mind. Please try to get here asap. If my situation wasn’t so dire, it would be different, but I’m tired. Some days are worse than others, and sometimes I have nightmares that I run out of time with so much left to say to so many people. I hope this is isn’t oversharing, but then again, what the hell!! :)
Much love, Nina xx
P.S. I had a feeling you’d have a girl!
The next day:
Nina—hang in there. You’ve done the right thing reaching out to me personally. It’s entirely normal that you’re worried. Call me on the number below. Any time. Or give me your number. Let’s have a general chat.
Love and hugs, Camilla xoxoxo
Why would you specify a general chat with someone who was terminally ill? It doesn’t make sense.
After that, there was a six-week gap between emails. Which means they only spoke on the phone or in person, leaving me with no possible way of finding out what was said or shared.