I agreed to take over complete responsibility for Nina’s business plans. Over time, I’ll build on her dreams and expand to include more tailored holidays or short breaks. (My discussion with Stuart didn’t go quite that far; I held back some of my ideas. I’m wary of coming across as too much. There’s no point in overwhelming him at this early stage.) We’ve synced calendars; nothing that could lead to misunderstanding or resentment has been left open to interpretation. Yet, every time I push my key into the front door lock, I feel like an imposter. I need to be kinder to myself because I more than overcompensate for my presence.

It’s on the school run that I encounter my first dose of reality—a hurdle in the form of Tamsin.

“So, you and Stuart,” she gives me a not-so-subtle elbow nudge in the ribs.

I glare. “Me and Stuart what?”

“I’m only joking.”

“It’s a purely practical arrangement, it makes sense. We’re putting the children’s welfare first.”

My voice sounds like a strict headteacher. I spot Emily emerge from her classroom. She is at the front of the line. I remove a fudge bar from my coat pocket and wave it at her. Nina preferred them to have treats on Fridays only so that “sugar after school didn’t become a habit,” but it’s hard to stick to all the old rules. I’ll ensure she cleans her teeth extra well tonight.

“By the way,” Tamsin says. “I didn’t think you’d mind, there’s a new girl in my eldest son’s class. They’ve moved over from Canada. I’ve invited her mother to join our book group, she seems keen to make friends.”

I’ve really gone off Tamsin.

“Without discussing it with the group?” I say, bending down to hug Em before ripping open the plastic chocolate wrapper.

“It seemed a friendly thing to do. I thought that after what has happened, perhaps it would be a positive thing. I know no one can replace Nina, but there’s an undeniable gap. A slight change could be just the thing we need.”

“Nina set it up. She left me in charge.”

I sound about five years old, but honestly! How dare Tamsin assume that she can do what she likes? Yet, I need to tread carefully. There’s no benefit in pissing Tamsin off; I may need her on my side while the non-news about me and Stuart settles. Still, I can’t resist reining her in, regaining some control.

“Do you know what, Tamsin, I’m sure the others will be happy enough. Perhaps you’re right. One thing, I’d like to continue to hold it at...” I hesitate. What sounds best? My place? Nina’s old house? I settle for “Stuart’s. It was Nina’s idea and it feels very important that I continue her traditions for the time being. I hope that makes sense?”

“Of course. Sorry, I should’ve checked. I get carried away sometimes.”

“No harm done. See you at the next meeting.”

I’m at work the following afternoon, figuring out the best angle to make the most of the fading daylight when loss, Ben and our nonexistent baby hits me. The bride’s stomach shows a barely perceptible yet unmistakable swell of early pregnancy. I direct her and the groom to stand to the side of a pillar and request that she holds her bouquet a little lower as I focus and click.