What had Eva said to her, that had made her mind sink into itself?

Can’t you see how much you don’t know?

And there was a lot Holly didn’t know. Even now. She wasn’t afraid to admit that – she was never a scientist. She believed in the ideas, though. She believed in her family.

Can’t you see how dangerous it is, when there is so much we don’t know?

Words playing over in her mind, as the younger version of herself suddenly seemed headstrong, foolish – so sure she was right. Her father had called her silly. Had she been silly? To trust Freida, FullLife? To believe that her happiness was something more than luck, that it could be shared? She’d been trying to do something good. She knew that with every part of herself – not just her heart, but with her mind too. She still had all her faculties, whatever some people might think. Images flitted through her mind of Will holding the pouch, so in awe. She gave him that. Karl too, with his thank-you letter. He was grateful, he’d said.

And Rosie and Kaz … Her insides twisted as she forced herself to remember. Why had it happened? It was true that they didn’t know the long-term effects – you could never really predict long-term effects. That was the risk they’d all taken. Would Rosie ever be able to have a child? Could the pouches be fixed? Had she rushed in? Oh, good heavens, had she done all this to prove a point? But no, she would not have her life dismissed like that.

The train was slowing. She felt herself judder against the glass of the window before sitting back firmly, keeping her eyes on the scene outside. Because she wasn’t ready to face the two people sitting opposite her. And because they were pulling into Pitlochry station and the world, suddenly, was dusted with snow. Tree branches edged in white, streets soft with icing sugar. In the distance, snow-capped mountains reached up to the sky, their contours illuminated with shafts of sunlight and deep ravines of shadow, and Holly decided that she was not going to blame herself, as women had been doing for so many generations before her. No, she was not going to blame herself, and she was not going to give up on her better world. Not while there was still a chance to save it.

Audio log

19 Jan 2016 17:32