I remember, because two months, four days and seven hours is a long time to wait around for a laugh. Even though some comedians I’ve seen on late-night TV probably had to wait around for a lot longer than that. I wrote that down on a Post-it because I thought maybe I could use the line in a joke. But it was a bit hard to tell if it was really funny or not without having Jax around to tell me, that’s rubbish, Normie. Or that’s about as funny as a train wreck, you numpty. Or boom boom, that’s comedy gold, you bleedin’ genius! Which is all actually pretty helpful.

Anyway, you’d think that after what happened at Swansea’s Got Talent I wouldn’t have had much to laugh about, wouldn’t you? I mean, first of all I totally bombed in the talent show. Actually, first of all I was in a talent show, and who would ever have thought that would happen? Then I found out Tony was no way, no how, no siree Bob my dad. Which if I’m honest did make me a bit sad, because Tony is a really cool guy and I reckon he’d be a pretty cool dad, too.

So all in all it doesn’t sound like a great time, does it? Because you name it and just about everything went wrong. But somehow all the lots of little things going wrong didn’t add up to a big disaster like you’d think. In fact, funnily enough, it kind of went the other way and actually added up to something pretty good. Don’t ask me how that happened, but it did. And don’t bother asking Mum by the way, because she’s got no idea, either.

When I was standing on that stage with a spotlight burning so bright into my eyes that I couldn’t see a thing, let alone my mum, while some guy went for a slide across the stage and landed on everyone’s laps, well, if someone had told me that half an hour later I’d be sitting in a café called the Cozy Tree proper laughing my head nearly off, no way would I have believed them. Never and not in a million years.

Only it really did all happen just like that. Before the laughing my head off part, though, there was the bit where Tony had to explain about his lazy old sperm and why he couldn’t be my dad. We already did sex education last year so I kind of know the general idea of what’s supposed to happen with sperms and ovaries and all that. Scientifically, I mean, not the sex stuff. Everyone knows about that.

Even though Kathy and Tony both looked a bit sad when Tony was telling us about the no babies thing, they kept smiling. And they still kept holding hands behind Mum’s head in the booth. Mum looked a bit like she was going to cry, though, and I think maybe she was even sadder than me that Tony couldn’t be my dad.