There was only one tiny light in the hallway once I got inside and it was so dark it took me quite a few blinks before I could even see my own hands in front of me. Not that it turned out there was too much to see. James had said that even though there shouldn’t be anyone in there I should probably try to be really quiet just in case, so I tiptoed past the first green door on the left that said Utilities and then I didn’t even need to check my notes to know that the next door on the right called Laundry was the one I was looking for, because I’d pretty much memorized my instructions on the bus. I decided right then and there that if comedy didn’t work out the next best thing would definitely be for me to join MI5. I reckon I’m a natural.

46

FIRST RULE OF COMEDY:
Think funny. Look funny. Be funny.

JAMES LOOKED LIKE a rock star. Not that I’ve ever been up close to a rock star and even though my first look at him was kind of folded in half and squashed into a massive tumble dryer. That’s him by the way, not me. I was the one standing in front of him shaking in my Converses and wondering if I was going to stay alive long enough to ever be able to do another one of those double fist pumps.

Actually, when I looked in the tumble dryer and saw a folded-up rock-star type of person I didn’t know for sure if it even was James. Because the first thing he said to me was Dr. Livingstone, I presume, and so for a second I thought maybe I had the wrong laundry or even the wrong tumble dryer.

But before I could say, no, it’s me, Norman, I spoke to you on the phone remember, he goes, bloody hell, I cannae tell ye how good it is to see ye, Norman, now untie these, lad, and get me out of here. So I thought, well, it is pretty dark and maybe he was just confused from being upside down for so long.

James’s hands were tied together really tightly with a rolled-up tea towel and he had his phone wedged right in between the knots. It wasn’t easy to try and get a good grip with him all higgledy-piggledy in the dryer like that, but he kept really still and said, good lad and ye havnae to worry about hurting me, just go for it. Pull away. So I just went for it and when I took out the phone, after a couple of tries of pulling really hard I got the first knot loose, and then the second one just came undone and the tea towel slipped right off his hands.

When James climbed out of the dryer I knew I was right about the rock-star thing. He was wearing a long black coat, tight black jeans and a skinny silver scarf around his neck. His hair was dead black and stuck out in every direction, and I didn’t know if it was because he’d been through a few cycles of the tumble dryer or if he did it like that on purpose. In the end I decided it was probably a bit of both. And when James the rock star stuck out his hand and went, you’re a wee lifesaver, Norman, and no mistake, I was so proud I thought I might pee.