James said that it was a present from his dad last Christmas and the guy thinks he’s hilarious. Knows I cannae stand them, but hey, I did need a key ring and it makes the old bugger laugh every time he sees it, he goes. All the time James was whispering about his Take That key ring he was picking up papers and books and boxes of staples on the desk and putting them down again, looking for his keys. I did a couple of turns around to see if I could think where someone like Slim McGinty would hide some keys, and then probably because I’d just been thinking about Jax he popped into my head again. Because Jax could find anything. Eyes like a hawk, Mum says. He could spot things faster than people even know they’re missing them, she reckons. Anytime she needed to look for the TV remote or the big serving spoon or something like that she’d say, Jax, have you seen the remote or the big serving spoon or whatever, and straightaway in a couple of seconds Jax would have it.

Anyway, as soon as I thought about Jax again that was when I found the keys, so isn’t that funny? They were hanging on a hook behind the door with a load of other bunches of keys on little hooks, but as soon as I saw Gary Barlow’s smiley face I knew I’d hit the jackpot. And then I thought maybe it was the Jaxpot, and it was the second time I could have done with a Post-it that night. Seeing all those bunches of keys also made me wonder if their owners had been stuck into the tumble dryers as well and if so where they were now.

When I turned around to tell James I’d found the keys he was standing in front of Slim’s desk, just staring down into one of the drawers. Then he stuck both his hands in and pulled out two massive wodges of twenty-and fifty-pound notes and I reckon my eyes nearly popped out like that guy in the kitchen. Because I’d never ever seen that much money in my life. It looked like maybe it could be a million pounds, but I guess it was probably a bit less than that or else surely Slim would have taken it to the bank for safekeeping.

James said, holy shite, what I couldnae do with this lot, and then he just stood there with the two handfuls of money, staring at it like he’d gone into some kind of a trance. Just sitting in the top drawer, not even locked, he goes. Deserves to lose it, the right robbin’ roaster.

When I shook the Take That keys James came out of his trance and whisper shouted, aye, that’s them, you’re a wee champ, Norman! But then instead of us getting out of there like I thought would be a very good idea he just sat down in the chair behind Slim’s desk with the money still in his hands and said, well now, I’d love to take this bunch of cash, but that wouldn’t be the right thing tae do, would it, Norman? I didn’t know what he wanted me to say. All I knew was that time was of the essence and we needed to get out, and also it looked like James had forgotten he was supposed to be whispering. Plus I was getting really itchy around my ears where the hat was rubbing so I just kind of nodded and shook my head at the same time while also listening out for any noises that might sound like a bouncer coming up the hallway. Which was actually quite a lot to do at one time.