“I never knew you wanted to find your father, Norman.” Brilliant. Of all the things my son needed to hear right then, I’m pretty sure that wasn’t one of them. In the silence that followed I could tell he was considering his answer carefully, so as not to hurt my feelings. And knowing that hurt more than anything he ever could have said. Look after Mum.

“I don’t. I mean, I didn’t, Mum. Not really. I just thought...well, with Jax gone, it’s just...it’s just me now, isn’t it?” The kid’s voice nearly killed me on the spot. Soft, shaky and trying so hard to be brave. And he wasn’t wrong.

“I’m never going to have another friend like Jax. But I... I just thought that maybe the next best thing might be a dad. You know. Like a...a guy, Mum.” My father’s face passed through on the nanosecond of a blink, and the thing is, it was one of the few times in my life that maybe I actually did know.

The branches were still banging against the window and the big yellow plan was still hanging on the wall. Jax was still dead and everything was just the same as it had been two minutes ago. But nothing was.

Now, I don’t really know how what happened next happened, because I certainly don’t recall thinking I had something useful to say. I blame point number one and wanting to knock its bloody block off, because what came out of my mouth was a total and utter surprise to me. And that’s putting it mildly.

“I think maybe you’re going to need some help with that new plan of yours, Norman.”

As soon as the words were out, slamming number one back against the wall in their crushing wake, I felt Norman’s breathing quicken on the pillow next to me.

“Mum, I don’t, I mean, I didn’t...that’s not, I mean, it doesn’t...” For one glorious moment I thought I was going to get away with it. The Bluff That Worked. Hurrah! Oh, they’d be talking about it for years.

“You...you mean it, Mum?” The Bluff That Worked quickly turned into the Bluff That Never Had a Chance. “And you mean the Fringe, too? This year, Mum? For Jaxy? We’re going to do it? But it’s only four weeks away and...” Yes, that’s right, stupid idea. Forget I spoke. Not likely.

“We’ve—I mean, I’ve—got loads of material, but you know... I dunno how I’ll go without him...it’d be pretty hard, but remember Jax always says that easy is for pussies? That’s right, isn’t it, Mum? It’s true, easy is for pussies! Oh, Mum, wouldn’t he just love it!”

I sank deeper into the bed, scrunching the sheet tight in my hand. Savoring the sound of my son. He’s there.

“Wouldn’t he just laugh so hard to see me at the Fringe after all? And even though he wouldn’t be there for real, he...he kind of would be. Because of his jokes. Wouldn’t he? That’d really be something, wouldn’t it?” Softer now. “Wouldn’t it, Mum?”