So. Family. (Long pause, look at the audience. Not sure what for. Note: study Jack Dee YouTube clips for more tips on Jaxy’s pause for effect rule.) The funny thing is, you might be surprised who you’d choose if they were put in front of you, and then your family might end up looking totally different than anything you’ve ever imagined. And I speak from experience. (Pause for a little bit of laughter.) Because the family I chose looks like the worst episode of Come Dine with Me you’ve ever seen. (Pause for big laughter.) Worse than the celebrity special even. (Pause for even bigger laughter, with any luck.)

But seriously. Families. (That’s the rule of three covered. Pause for everyone to think about their own family. Although how would I know if they were? Correction, pause and hope for the best.) Some of you might have heard about my family because of that story in the papers about what happened up here this time last year. (Pause for some people to maybe clock who I am.) Oh, yeahhhhhhh. I’m THAT guy. But I swear, only about half of what they said was true. I mean, they were right about us cracking one of biggest gambling scams in Edinburgh once we handed over that notebook to the police. (Pause for effect.) But there’s no way James and I stopped for a mojito on the way through the club. It was a mocktail, come on—I’m a kid! (Pause for laughter. Surely!)

Actually, what happened that night is pretty much the only reason I’m here tonight, so it turned out to be the reason I’ve had the best year of my life. In fact, I reckon you’d say it’s been a Helluva Year. And that’s a whole other story.

As you can see, I haven’t really got much down on paper yet for my next show, but Big Al reckons I’ve got enough material in my head to do a residency in Vegas. He says all I need to do is get it from my brain and out through my mouth without taking too many deviations, which gave me a few ideas. The Vegas part, not the deviations.

But I don’t reckon that’ll happen until I’m at least eighteen, and maybe by then I’ll have made enough money to pay for Mum and Big Al to come with me. That’s if Mum ever agrees to be Big Al’s girlfriend, which Al says she bloody well will if he has anything to do with it. Mum always just says, we’ll see, and I reckon we will see, because slowly, slowly catchy monkey and all that.

I’m already invited back to the Duke for next year’s Fringe, though, because the manager said it was the best night they’d ever had. And even though the jig was up the minute I got on stage that I wasn’t actually eighteen in a licensed venue, he said he’d think about turning a blind eye again because he had a soft spot for me and he believes in something called nurturing the arts. Mum reckons it’s his bar takings he’s interested in nurturing, but that’s okay by me.