What James said was that he was a wee bit indisposed and that before he could help with finding Mum he needed me to get him out of a tricky situation involving a tumble dryer and a trip across town. And even though I thought it was probably illegal for a twelve-year-old kid to be out on the streets of Edinburgh alone at night, and even though I was properly scared by then, Jax didn’t send me any signs that James was a dodgy geezer so I said yes.

Then I wrote down everything he said about bus numbers and street names and back doors of nightclubs and laundry rooms and calling him if I got lost along the way, because it was just a wee bit difficult for him to call me in his present situation. I listened really, really carefully and wrote everything down, and by the time he finished there was no room left on the back of the Thai menu at all.

Then James goes, so how about it, Norman, reckon you can do it? And I looked at all the stuff I’d written down neatly and in order, and because I had a plan and I knew where I was going so I’d know exactly when I got there, just like Jax says, I honestly really and truly felt like I could. And as soon as I decided that, even though I still had quite a lot of scared inside of me, I also felt really, really excited. Because I’d gone and done it. I’d jumped in the deep end all on my own, feetfirst, head up and I was about to start swimming, and I reckon that’s just what Jaxy would have done.

I nearly couldn’t believe it even came out of my mouth, but what I said was piece of piss, James! Which I’d never said before not even once, but I bet you know who said it a lot. I was beginning to understand James’s accent pretty good by then and he shouty whispered down the phone, Aye, right then, that’s ma boy!

And I thought, yeah, well. One never knows.

45

FIRST RULE OF COMEDY:
You’ve gotta risk it for the biscuit.

I’D NEVER, EVER in my whole life broken a promise to Mum, and I’d promised her I wouldn’t leave the Soft Fudge under any circumstances. But she’d also promised she’d be back by six o’clock at the latest so I figured, fair do’s. Also, it wasn’t like I was going off to meet up with a proper stranger or anything. I mean, there was a chance James was my dad so I figured that had to count for something.

He seemed to know a lot about Edinburgh, though, because when I told him we were staying in Leith he said all I had to do was walk up the road and get to any bus stop that said bus number 16 stopped there. And because he was right it was very helpful and so that part was easy. When bus number 16 came I already had my cover story ready, which was that I was on my way home after karate class. It took me ages to decide between that and a late dentist appointment and even then I changed my mind at the last minute. But anyhow, it was nothing like Penzance because the driver didn’t even look at me when I got on and pushed my exact change through his little window. It was pretty weird, because if a bus driver had seen a kid on his own after 8:00 p.m. at home it would have been an interrogation and who’s your mother straight up, but this guy just started driving again before I even got to sit down.