Hearing Tony’s voice also made me realize I didn’t actually have any idea of what I was going to say to the responsible adults I was calling. Like, hey, everybody’s disappeared and I’m all alone and really scared and I’ve run out of chocolate and there are a couple of suspicious-looking gangster types outside. Oh and also, I’m not very funny and I’m booked in to do a show by myself at the biggest comedy festival in the world tomorrow.

That didn’t sound great when I said it in my head, though, so I just left a message for Tony saying, it’s me, Norman, and we’re in Edinburgh, but Leonard has gone missing and I’ve sort of lost Mum too now, and would he mind giving me a call back. And it’s me, Norman. I said that twice, because for all I knew Tony and Kathy forgot all about us the minute we left Swansea.

There was no way I was calling Dan McFerretfeatures and anyway, I was pretty sure what his answer would be, so my next choice on the list was Adam. The way he helped us in Bournemouth sort of already proved he was the type of guy you could rely on when the you-know-what hits the fan and also, there was still a chance he could actually be my dad. Which was pretty weird, although it might explain why I love crisps and cheesy toast so much.

When I called Adam’s number it rang and rang about a million times, and I was just about to hang up but then an answer thing came on. Only it wasn’t his voice, it was one of those robot ones that tells you to leave a short message and it’ll get translated into a text. I waited for the beep and then I talked as slowly and clearly as I could.

“Mum’s gone. Need help. From Norman.” I was really hoping it didn’t translate to one prawn, feed kelp, wrong doorman, otherwise there’d be no hope of Adam helping at all.

My contingency plan wasn’t looking great because I’d tried everyone except Big Al, but then I remembered what it felt like when he hugged me on the street outside Toad Hall when I started crying like a baby and how much better it made me feel. And I thought, well, a guy that can do that could probably do anything. So I called.

Howdy. You’ve called Al, and guess what? I don’t want to talk to you. If I wanted to, I’d have answered, wouldn’t I? Just kidding, leave your name and number and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. If I want to, that is. Ha ha.

I don’t really know if it was because of hearing Big Al’s voice or because nobody in the whole world seemed to be answering their phone, or maybe it was because it was 7:43 p.m. and I was feeling pretty scared about being all on my own in the Soft Fudge, but I suddenly got a huge whoosh in my tummy and even though I tried to stop the crying coming, I couldn’t.