Chapters (78)
- Title Page
- Dedication
- Prologue
- One
- Two
- Three
- Four
- Five
- Six
- Seven
- Eight
- Nine
- Ten
- Eleven
- Twelve
- Thirteen
- Fourteen
- Fifteen
- Sixteen
- Seventeen
- Eighteen
- Nineteen
- Twenty
- Twenty-One
- Twenty-Two
- Twenty-Three
- Twenty-Four
- Twenty-Five
- Twenty-Six
- Twenty-Seven
- Twenty-Eight
- Twenty-Nine
- Thirty
- Thirty-One
- Thirty-Two
- Thirty-Three
- Thirty-Four
- Thirty-Five
- Thirty-Six
- Thirty-Seven
- Thirty-Eight
- Thirty-Nine
- Forty
- Forty-One
- Forty-Two
- Forty-Three
- Forty-Four
- Forty-Five
- Forty-Six
- Forty-Seven
- Forty-Eight
- Forty-Nine
- Fifty
- Fifty-One
- Fifty-Two
- Fifty-Three
- Fifty-Four
- Fifty-Five
- Fifty-Six
- Fifty-Seven
- Fifty-Eight
- Fifty-Nine
- Sixty
- Sixty-One
- Sixty-Two
- Sixty-Three
- Sixty-Four
- Sixty-Five
- Sixty-Six
- Sixty-Seven
- Sixty-Eight
- Sixty-Nine
- Seventy
- Acknowledgments
- About the Author
- Remarkable Praise for Nicci French
- Also by Nicci French
- About the Publisher
“We’re not sick of you,” Vin said.
“Don’t you just want it to go back to normal?”
“I think it’s a bit late for that.”
The large shape of Vin beside her moved closer, she felt his breath on her face then his hand touching her cheek and his lips on her lips. Her first reaction was surprise followed by a strange detachment. She pulled back slightly.
“Do you want me to stop?”
Did she want him to stop? She didn’t know what she wanted. She didn’t care. She wanted to stop thinking and to stop feeling and to stop remembering. She leaned back into him and kissed him and tasted the alcohol and the weed and smelled a scent she didn’t recognize.
Neither of them spoke and she let him take her by the hand and lead her back in through the window. They both clambered down the ladder and then he led her along the corridor and down the stairs to his room at the back of the house, the one she had glimpsed earlier when she was looking for a place to lay Alfie down. He kicked the door shut and they were in complete darkness except for the faint blur of the window in the far wall. He pushed her into the room until she felt the bed behind her and sat back and he was half on top of her and they were kissing and then fumbling with each other’s clothes.
She wanted to lose herself and be reckless, but she couldn’t stop herself thinking about it all as she was doing it. She was being kissed and caressed, but she also was unable to kick her shoes off and had to stop and bend over and unlace them. As Vin pulled at her trousers and she felt them slide over her thighs and knees, she couldn’t stop herself from remembering that these were the clothes she had selected for the funeral. She knew that she was a bit drunk and a bit stoned and that very possibly she wasn’t in her right mind. Would she be allowing this to be done to her if she were stone-cold sober?
Finally, she felt like a swimmer letting go and allowing herself to sink under the water. She gave herself up to the sensation and it wasn’t clear what kind of sensation it was, whether it was pleasure or confusion or desperation or just a relief from the pain and anxiety. It was all strange and dark with no sense of time or space.
Afterward it felt like coming round from an anesthetic into a waking that was itself a kind of confusion. Where was she? What had she done? What should she do? She was aware of a slow breathing beside her. Vin was asleep. Then she was asleep too.