I spent the next day working in the morning. I was getting used to the bags under my eyes, but I finally felt a little more alive. I whizzed through my shift—three clients back-to-back—and got higher tips than expected on all three. I was feeling pretty good as I walked down the street to my house. The sun was bright, and I felt more energetic than I had for the last couple days. I thought of the many ways I could spend my afternoon off. I tried to remember the things I liked to do before I met Kael.

I walked into my bedroom and looked at the stack of books on my dresser. I had read most of them and didn’t feel like starting a whole new story, so I decided to grab one of the poetry books I had bought while browsing in a favorite bookstore in Atlanta. Right now, poems suited my mood—the perfect length, room for my own emotions, and I could skip anything that made me think too much. I desperately wanted to distract my brain from reality.

It was the perfect temperature outside today, warm enough not to have to wear a jacket, but cool enough that I could wear a long-sleeved shirt and shorts and be comfortable. I pulled my hair up, grabbed a few things—my phone for music, a pillow from the couch, and the poetry book Lost and Found, and headed out to the porch. I sat down on the cool concrete and wished I had a swing. Another item for the “one day” list. One day when I redo the porch, I will make it big enough for a swing. One day.

As I skipped from page to page in the book, I felt like every single poem was being read to me in Kael’s voice. He was everywhere. He had become everything.

In the hollows under his eyes, I found a map

in the stars that dipped into his cheeks, I found solace

in the bow of his lips, there was truth

in the rise and fall of his chest, I found myself,

and if you ever need me, that’s where I’ll be.

I closed the book and tossed it, watching as it went skidding across the porch. The stars reminded me of Kael, the mention of his dimples, the truth I’d believed from him that wasn’t there after all. The feelings were too close and I wanted these words as far away from me as they could get. I stood up, took a few steps, and kicked the little white paperback, watching it disappear into the patch of weeds next to my porch.