She stops moving, stares at me across the room. “And then he got infected and I did everything I could to be there for him. I disobeyed my mother’s orders, I broke the town rules, I risked my life—risked everything for him.”

What she says makes my heart pound slower, as if my blood’s become too thick for movement. I press the back of my hand over my mouth, feeling ill. “So what happened?” I dread the answer.

She’s staring out the window at the night and the reflection of her smooth skin appears warped and broken.

“He pushed me away,” she says simply, a small shrug with one shoulder. “I met Elias. He figured out Catcher’s immunity. I …” Her gaze deepens, lost someplace far away. “I got into trouble and we had to leave. We went back into the Forest and that was it.”

She swallows. “I fell in love with Elias and realized …” She looks over at me and her cheeks pinken as she shrugs.

“Realized what?” I ask her.

Her face burns an even deeper shade of red and she squirms a little. She takes a breath and holds it before finally saying, “That perhaps the feelings I’d had for Catcher weren’t that strong after all.”

I frown. “Why?”

“Because I was willing to let him push me away. I was willing to let him go and I know now that I’d never be able to let Elias go.” She hesitates and then adds in a firmer voice, “I’d fight for Elias in a way I was never really willing to do with Catcher.”

And I realize something at her words: I wasn’t willing to fight for Elias. Hadn’t ever been. I’d let him walk away from me and join the Recruiters and I never said anything to stop him.

I stare at the way my sister holds herself as she watches me think, her body rigid, face strained. And I realize that she’s actually afraid of me. Terrified she’ll lose Elias to me. That he and I share something that she never could.

She’s right, of course. He and I share a past of struggle and loss. We share the same guilt for leaving her in the Forest. We share the same memories and pain.

And we both share a love for my sister. Would Elias give her up for me if I asked? Could I ever ask it of him? Of her?

I think of Elias the night years ago that he made me feel beautiful. I think of the feel of his fingers along my skin. The words he whispered in my ear. I wonder if I could have said something to make him stay.

All these years I’ve wondered if I’d done something wrong. I’ve played that night over in my head a million times, willing it to end differently.