I thought I could escape the weight of another at Dartmouth. I had hoped that being six hundred miles away would dissolve the anxiety and pressure, but it didn’t. I guess you are the same person no matter where you are, carrying your inside problems everywhere. My eyes are watching God and Jennifer, waiting for the miracle, hoping for some interception that makes these burdens more bearable. Not Bryce’s God. I could never depend on white Jesus, for all the reasons Earnell mentioned. My eyes are watching my mother’s God, the God of Light. The one that freed the slaves and bends the arc toward justice, despite it never reaching. The one that preserves life even as it is taken by some other wild and opposing force. A cosmic Darth Vader always watching from the shadows waiting to play his next trick, hoping for our eventual fall from grace. May the God of Light prevail, I pray to the ether.

I ponder these things as the forest draws us deeper. As soon as we arrive at the cabin, Connor tells us we’ll be heading out in ten minutes for an “exciting team-building activity.” Everyone releases a collective sigh at the prospect, except Gabrielle Davis, Gabby for short, who is a self-described Black nature girl. She has already hiked the Appalachian and Pacific Coast trails with her dad, who’s apparently really into outdoor survival techniques. Gabby knows how to start a fire, fish, climb trees, and pick edible berries. “I feel the spirit of every living thing around me,” she said when we exited the bus earlier. She inhales deeply and twirls happily in a circle with her arms stretched up toward the heavens, like Earnell after he embarrassed Bryce on the Green last week. All the Black kids look at her judgmentally, but Connor claps eagerly and says, “Now that’s what I’m talking about! Soak it all in. The beauty of nature. She gets it!”

Before coming to Dartmouth, I thought all Black folks were like the people in my neighborhood, but now I see that there are as many different kinds of melanin-rich humans as there are stars in the sky. Some think very differently from me, like Daniel. A few are even rich. Like all cultural and ethnic groups, we are not homogenous. The revelation is unsettling since I want all the Black people to be like me so I can feel more comfortable in this foreign environment.

As we are preparing to leave for the team-building activity, which Connor says is a scavenger hunt to learn more about the traditions and history of Dartmouth, Keli proclaims angrily, “I cain’t do no obstacle course. I just got my hair done and I forgot my scarf. They only bring in a Black hairdresser once a month and I paid like eighty dollars for this hairdo so I’m not messing it up.”