The chaperones begin mixing us. Moving some here and others there. Unless you are peeking, no one knows who will land in front of them. I am in total acceptance of every outcome. Is this what Dean Harrison experiences all the time? I know this peace will not last so I try to revel in it, roll around in the gardens of inner contentment.

Then the shuffle is done and the moment of truth arrives. Who will I see when I open my eyes? I’m unsure, but I know what they will find. The real me. The curtain drops. The barking guard dogs yield. I am revealed. I open my eyes, and of course, the gods have given the absolute worst possibility, Bryce.

“So there you are,” I say.

“Here I am.”

Attraction compels us like magnets. I try to turn it off, but just like I couldn’t turn it on for Earnell, I can’t shut it down in this moment. It aches. He is so beautiful. His curly blond hair pulled up into a bun again. The softness of his spirit shining so bright. I can’t stop smiling.

Our task is to sit in silence for five minutes doing nothing but looking into this person’s eyes. “Much more can be seen without the words,” Kurt says.

At first, they are just eyes. Light green and soft. He smiles. He knows I am seeing. Then, a force takes over us both. An opening. A doorway into the being of another living creature. An exquisite feast of emotion. Maybe all of them. Sorrow, joy, and so much vulnerability. The inside of him exposed. Pleading with me to come and save him. At the core, the desire for love. He wants it too.

Tears roll down both our cheeks. When the moment is too much, we look away, but return again to soak in more of the living presence in front of us. Then it’s over, but I don’t want to leave. I don’t want another partner. I want him. Like the sun in the east, she rises, my hope. Any signs of new life set it on fire. I am burning.

He leans over and gives me a hug, holding on even after it’s time to let go. Something about it feels final, despite the beauty of our previous moment. “I’m sorry,” he says. “That I can’t be brave.” Then he is gone, on to his next partner. Me: left sitting in a pile of my own ashes, again.

When I open my eyes for round two, I am not surprised to see Earnell. The gods really want chaos. I expect him to dart again, but he remains, also a pile of ashes in my presence, having been softened by his previous partner.

“I’ve missed you,” he says.

“I missed you too. I’m sorry. I don’t know why it’s like this.”