I haven’t seen Bryce since the frat party, which I attribute to my cleverly crafted getups, but Earnell says, “Anyone with functioning eyes can see it’s you. Oh, look, it’s Negro Brown in a baseball hat and sunglasses. Oh, hey, there’s Negro Brown in a big winter coat and a scarf. Oh my goodness, is that Negro Brown again in a shawl, headwrap, and more sunglasses? Yes, yes, it is. The more you hide, the more you are revealed.”

“Shut up, Earnell. Only negroes know it’s me. They can’t tell.”

“Everyone knows it’s you.”

Earnell is a fool, I think to myself while grabbing lunch in the café one day before my makeup exam. I’m clearly a master of disguise. A real Houdini. I am about to rain down more self-congratulations when I feel someone tap me on the shoulder. Spooked, I spin and see Bryce standing behind me. A deer caught in headlights, my eyes bug out of their sockets, but thanks to the dark shades, Bryce can’t see.

“Hey,” Bryce says. “Do you have a minute to talk?”

“Talk about what?” I laugh uneasily.

“You know, the party,” he says embarrassingly. “I just want to… I feel like we should process it.”

As if I owe him that. Why do white men always act as if it is someone else’s job to help them work through their feelings? The world has given them everything and they can’t even carry their own emotions alone.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” I say dryly. “You don’t need to explain anything to me. I get it.”

I tell my body to grab my tray, pay, and find a table, but it doesn’t obey. I remain frozen in front of Bryce with too many scarves wrapped around my neck and the Defiance screaming Run in my ear.

“Look, I’m attracted to you too. I think you’re beautiful, smart, and cool. I love our time together, but it’s just… there’s already so much pressure in my life. The diversity work is super important to me and I’m committed to it, but an interracial couple would be a lot, especially in a place like this. The judgments, the questions would be crushing. I’m already trying to make everything in my life work. Trying to do well in classes. Trying to be a good Christian and not disappoint anyone. This would just be too much, as much as I want it. I can’t handle it.”

What does he know about pressure? As if I’m not dealing with the same and more, but I am still willing to risk it.