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Showtime!

Showtime!

It was now eight in the evening and every seat in the large television studio was taken. Because of fire laws, standing wasn’t allowed. Consequently, a big part of the overflow audience was turned away.

Three spotlights turned in three circles over the closed curtain. A drumroll was heard in the background. The program’s announcer, Johnny Jacobs, was cued and—cupping his right ear with his right hand for no discernible reason other than announcers had been cupping their right ears with their right hands since the early days of radio—spoke his one line into a backstage microphone: “Ladies and gentlemen…it’s time for The Big Question.…And now here’s your host…Rip…Puckett!”

The curtain opened. Three spotlights came up to reveal a high-tech set. A shower of sparkling white fireworks was continuously shooting up in the air out of tubes embedded in the studio floor. In the center of everything were three large soundproof tubes that looked like something constructed by NASA. In the rear, center stage, was a huge sixty-second clock with one gigantic hand. The clock rose up and disappeared into the ceiling, revealing a large thirty-piece orchestra playing behind a filmy blue see-through curtain in the rear of the stage.

All three spotlights converged on the right side of the stage. The Big Question host, Rip Puckett, skipped merrily out from the side where the spotlights had gathered. The lights followed him to center stage and surrounded him. His wavy brown hair and sparkling white teeth gleamed in the glow of the bright lights. The orchestra played with gusto. The studio audience applauded and cheered as they had been instructed to do.

Rip Puckett was a tall man with a long face, a large pompadour, and a mouthful of enormous capped teeth. The teeth were brand-new and extremely white. They looked like rows of kitchen appliances. Rip Puckett had paid a fortune for his teeth. His dentist didn’t want to make them so big but Puckett had insisted.

Rip Puckett, whose real name was Isadore Hershkowitz, had chosen to wear a shiny black tuxedo with an enormous collar, an orange dress shirt, and a huge fire engine red bow tie. Rip Puckett wanted to be noticed.

“Before…” started Rip Puckett over thunderous applause, then stopped. He waited a bit for the applause to subside, then began again. “Before the next hour is over, one of our six lucky contestants will have the chance to win one…hundred…million…dollars…”

The orchestra played “Hail, Hail, the Gang’s All Here” while the audience cheered like crazy.

“…or be executed!!”

A morbid organ struck the funereal notes Dum Dee Dum Dum, and the audience booed just like they had been told to do.

“We’ll be back,” screamed Rip Puckett, “with our first contestant on The Big Question… right after these messages!”

The program paused to cut away to a commercial.