“If I really want to leave the city. What kind of life I want to have if I do. What kind of life I want to have if I don’t. That kind of stuff.”

“Which way are you leaning?”

“Leaving,” she said simply. She didn’t take her eyes from the water at first, but after a few moments of silence, she shot me a cautious glance.

I had a nearly overwhelming compulsion to take her hands and ask her to stay in Manhattan. The bigger part of me that cared about her happiness wanted to tell her to leave–chase her dream. But I wanted to tell her I’d be right behind her, wherever she went. And then I thought about how much that would fuck things up for her, no matter what she might be thinking. I imagined coming out with her to a place like Fairhope. Instead of a fresh start, she’d have me at her side. Things would probably be good for a little while. Great, even. Then I’d do what I always did and find a way to fuck it up. And then? Then she’d probably decide small town life wasn’t the dream she’d imagined.

If I let myself be greedy for a few months of happiness with her, I might put a stain on her future that I couldn’t ever erase. It wasn’t worth the risk–not for her.

So I smiled, nodding. “Chase the dream, right?” I asked.

“Yeah,” she said. “But is it normal if I don’t even know? I mean, who says this dream of mine is going to make me happy? What kind of lame dream is that?”

“The only kind,” I said, smiling. “The best kind, actually. If you don’t know, that means it’s a risk. It means you’re putting everything on the line. You’re risking something you don’t think you can afford to risk, and you know what? The only shit worth that kind of risk is the real stuff. If you’re thinking about that kind of risk, you know you’re on the right track. You’re trying to live your life. Maybe you’ll screw it up, but you’re trying. That’s the important part.”

Pearl looked suddenly deep in thought. She stared down at her hands on the railing, eyebrows drawn together. “Isn’t that the opposite of what we both said we’d do six months ago? When we swore off relationships? We said no person was worth that kind of risk anymore.”

“Yeah,” I said. I felt something heavy settle in my chest. “I guess it was.”

“And you’re still going to stick to it?”

“Forever? No. I don’t think I ever really believed that. I’m sure some pretty little firecracker will come along eventually. Someone who makes me question everything I thought I knew.”

Pearl chewed her lip. “But she hasn’t yet?”

I chuckled. “Oh, she has. But I don’t know how many times I can do the right thing and stick to my guns before I get weak and give in. How many Pearl Moreno’s can come along before a man finally gives in and takes one for himself?”