Oh. He was telling me to live my dream with some other guy. I felt gutted, but I smiled like nothing was wrong. “I’ll think about it, I guess.” Freaking Dean Slater, the man who always said the perfect thing, was on a rare streak of strike outs tonight. It felt like his mind was a radio that just couldn’t quite pick up the tune mine was on. It made me feel alone. Silly. Hopeless.

“Good. I want you to be happy, Pearl.”

He kissed my forehead, and I felt like punching him in the stomach and screaming. You want me to be happy? Maybe realize it’s you I want. Maybe don’t try to pass me off to some other guy now that you got what you wanted from me.

I almost spoke my mind, but I didn’t because Dean had been clear about his intentions. He never claimed the sex was supposed to lead to something. I hadn’t helped dispel that idea, either. So what right did I have to get mad that he wasn’t falling for me like I was falling for him?

“I’m really tired,” I said. “I should get some rest.”

“Okay. By the way, there’s apparently going to be some kind of town basketball tournament tomorrow. Zack told me about it. He said we’re all invited to participate, but warned me that it gets pretty intense. I was planning to go watch. It would probably look odd if you weren’t with me. Are you up for it?”

“Yeah, sure.” I smiled and got up to go clean up. I found myself suddenly self-conscious of my nakedness and knelt to quickly grab my clothes, covering my butt as I walked to the bathroom.

Once the door was closed, I rested my forehead against it. I felt like crying, and not because I blamed Dean for anything. I felt like crying because I was doing it again. I was letting my heart lead the way. Again and again, I’d seen that it wasn’t going to work with Dean, but I couldn’t stop myself from wanting him. All of him.

We had good sex together and I enjoyed spending time with him. And in a few days, the wedding would happen, we’d head back to Manhattan, and go on with our lives. I needed to stop imagining some kind of future where he dropped everything to be with me–where he asked me not to leave the city because he didn’t want to lose me when this was all over.

All I could do was tell him how I felt. I had no idea if I’d get the courage to go through with it, but it was the only thing left to do.

I rubbed my eyes and looked in the mirror. I glared at myself. Stupid, I thought. Why did I have to be so stupid? Why couldn’t I just stick to the plan?

30

DEAN

Zack Ashford hadn’t been kidding when he said the whole town was going to be at the game. Everyone was gathered around a set of four basketball courts in a park at the edge of town. The mountains stretched out in the background. They glowed with a fiery orange light from the rising sun at our backs. It was a chilly morning and everyone was bundled up in jackets or with blankets over their fold-out chairs.