Vera hands me tissues and I wait for the tears to come but they don’t. Instead, I’m heaving from the sobs, the coffee burning its way back up.

“Okay,” Vera says. “It’s going to be all right.”

I ignore her and she leaves me alone. I stare out of the window as the sobs turn to hiccups. She parked in the far corner of the parking lot and all I can see are trees, their leaves moving with the wind. It’s strangely hypnotic, numbing.

If I’d announced Jack’s presence—

If I’d said goodbye to Elise first—

If I’d stayed—

Everything would be different.

I remember the first night Jack and I met, back in April, when I got on his motorcycle, hugged him tight, my right cheek pressed between his shoulder blades. We’d gone to the lake, and after, we climbed a jungle gym in the park and stared at the stars. We smelled of earth and water, and he tangled our fingers together loosely. We were too big for the platform, had to lie with our knees bent like little pyramids, thighs resting against each other.

“Do you think there’s anyone out there?” he asked me, eyes looking up.

“Out there?” I said, lifting my free hand to point at the sky.

“Sometimes it’s easy to forget how little we are here. Stuck on this tiny rock revolving around a small star, stranded in the middle of the Milky Way. Sometimes it’s easy to forget how big the universe is. How little it cares about the lives we live, how little any of it matters.” His voice held no sadness, only an awestruck reverence. His eyes shone even in the dark, the light of the stars reflecting back out to me. He was so beautiful.

“Don’t say that,” I said, turning fully to face him. “Your life matters.”

He turned too and smiled. We were only inches away from each other. I could feel his breath against my skin, warm and cool at the same time.

“Can I?” he asked softly, and I loved the way his eyelashes fluttered, like he was nervous, like I might say no.

“Yes,” I said, and then he pressed his lips softly against mine and stole the air out of my lungs.

I don’t think I’ve been breathing right ever since.

9.

It’s cold inside of the station and I wrap my arms around myself tight. I pinch the sleeve buttons of my shirt around my wrists, running my thumb over and over them, popping one button in and out.

“It won’t be long,” Vera tells me, and I know she wants to reassure me, keep me calm.

My parents sit on the other side of her, Christian next to them. Our eyes meet briefly, and for a moment, I think I see real concern on his face, but I blink and he’s already turned away. Everyone is dressed up, everyone is quiet, exhausted but nervous. I keep looking at the door, waiting to see Evan or Jack’s mother show up.