“I got him a laxative drink to take each night, and he says it’s helping a bit but has not fixed it completely and sometimes gives him the runs instead. I told him the problem is that he doesn’t drink enough water, but I’m sure he just switches off listening to me. I read on the internet that he should be eating prunes or some grapes or drinking some juice mix. But they also said he could have a problem with not eating enough fiber and that’s why he is blocked up.” I’m stopping her before this gets any further.

“Mum, we have talked about this before, do not search the internet for medical advice. That’s why the men in white coats go to university and train in hospitals for many years, to help diagnose you when there are problems. If you are worried, then book an appointment with his doctor.” I stop what I’m working on to concentrate and make sure she understands that you can’t believe everything you read on the internet.

“But doctors are expensive,” she replies.

“Damn it, Mum, I have told you before, I will pay for anything you need, especially a doctor. Have you looked in your bank account lately? I’m sure you can afford a doctor or ten.” I maintain all their investments that I have set up, and neither of them know that I have also been slowly depositing money into their everyday account so there should never be an issue that they can’t afford anything, because my dad will always be too proud to ask. He never got over the fact that I gave them money when he was out of work and insisted on paying it all back to me, so I lied about how much I had given them, and I think he paid back about a third of it. Then of course I just drip feed it back into his account anyway.

“But it was from a site that had the word medical in it,” she replies with such innocence of a woman in her late sixties and totally ignoring my comment about the money as she usually does.

Smacking my forehead, I try to explain this to her… again.

“Mum, please listen to me. The internet can be very useful, but it can also be a load of rubbish. Just because you read it there doesn’t always mean it’s true. I mean, look at all the crap that was written about Flynn and Felisha after the video was leaked. None of it was true.” I lean back in my chair and close my eyes at this conversation that I’m sure we have had at least twenty times.

“But it was true that it was his cute little white bottom on the internet.” Her little giggle rings through my ear.