I know he can read me, and yesterday he knew what was happening the moment I started to spiral. He could have pushed me to talk about it, but he also knows that doesn’t work for me. So instead, he tried with everything he had to show me how he feels. Because words freak the fuck out of me but actions I can cope with. Last night’s actions I could cope with over and over again, but they aren’t my problem.

Emotions are so much harder to deal with.

But I’m trying to brave and stay, it’s what he was begging for last night, and I think I owe him that much.

“Morning,” I say without my usual confidence, and I can see he is wary as he stands and walks toward me.

Tentatively he leans down and kisses my forehead. “Good morning, beautiful.” And sadly, his voice isn’t soft like it normally would be when he says that. It’s devoid of emotion at all, and I feel awful because I know I’ve done that to him. He is trying to protect himself because he doesn’t know where he stands with me.

It’s my job to reassure him that for now we will be okay.

“I just wanted to say thank you for the amazing and thoughtful birthday weekend. I have never had anything like that, and I will never forget what you did for me. I felt very special and that’s a first for me, so thank you again.” And doing something that is totally pushing myself out of my comfort zone, I take the step forward into his body and wrap my arms around him tightly, initiating the hug, which totally catches him off guard, I can tell.

“I want to give you the world,” he whispers because he isn’t game to say it out loud.

“I know,” I reply just as quietly into his chest where my face is buried.

We both stand there in silence for a few minutes just trying to gain our balance in the morning air, and just as I step away to tell him what is racing around my mind, every part of that balance is torn out from under me as he says these few small words.

“You are my little snuggle bug now, aren’t you.” He smiles at his next name on the list he has been playing, but he will never understand how that name just sealed our fate.

I asked for a sign, and the universe delivered.

To hear my father’s favorite pet name, the one he used to call me, for the first time in twenty years has smashed my heart into tiny pieces.

“Harper?” His voice is deeper, and the serious tone tells me he can see the fear on my face and has no idea what he said that has changed the moment we were having.