Then, at the back of the cupboard I find last year’s marshmallows. They are thick and oversized, big enough to put on a stick to make s’mores. I impale one with a fork and turn on the lower right hand burner. I watch the marshmallow melt and get darker around the edges as I move it up and down to even out the heat distribution. When it’s a nice shade of brown with edges that are almost black, I blow on it to cool it off and then bite into it.

I’ve never shared a marshmallow with Nicholas and I wonder about his technique. Does he wait for it to brown all over or is he one of those super patient people who will keep it just far enough from the flame to melt the inside without toasting the outside? The one time I’ve ever had one of those, it practically melted in my mouth. It was the most delicious thing I’ve ever had but as soon as I finished it, I also realized that I did not have the energy or the dedication to make them this way.

“What if I looked into his ex-girlfriend’s murder?” I ask myself, biting into another marshmallow that’s soft and chewy on the outside and hard and cold on the inside. “Maybe that would give me a glimpse into why the FBI is connecting those two crimes?”

I go into it knowing full well what it is that I have to do but not wanting to do it.

I haven’t been to my mother’s house in a long time. Frankly, I thought that maybe I would just go through the rest of my life never seeing her again. A part of me was hoping I could, but another part gnawed at my conscience.

She is the woman who raised me and even though I know she could have done a better job and I blame her for the fact that she hadn’t, I can’t help but still find some love for her.

It’s so easy for others to say to just cut out the toxic people from your life, but it’s a very difficult thing to do.

The people that get entrenched the deepest are those who are tied to your childhood. They are those who raised you and those who you cannot erase because that would mean erasing every part of who you used to be.

My mother is no different. She is selfish and self-absorbed and yet occasionally she gives me these glimpses of love and I allow myself to sustain life on them. It’s not healthy and sometime in the future, I will finally commit to some therapy and force myself to examine everything that I have been burying deep inside. Today is not one of those days.