With these upsetting memories surging through my mind, I struggle hard to sleep yet again. In the bedroom, shadows of my painful past dance across the walls and haunt me. Growing up in a broken family is like working in a coal mine. While you are on the lookout for the diamonds that might help you find meaning in life, you never know when an explosion could be powerful enough to make everything cave in and bury you under. Those nights of getting beaten up by my father, seeing him thrash my mother, all of it reverberates in my mind, and I place a hand on my thundering heart to calm it. My chest feels tight with anxiety. The years I spent with my parents have left scars on my soul which run far deeper than the physical cuts a knife can make on one’s body. And while knife wounds can heal with time, it feels like the ones on my soul will take an eternity to heal. I learned early on that love and attachment are a double-edged sword. And that helped me reinforce my belief in the fact that living alone was much better than trying to make a family.

But Nirvaan was the real home for me. And that is what I miss, that feeling of being home. I could tell him everything, and he’d get me. He always supported me. He was in awe of me. I had never felt that I was even worthy of being looked at until he told me I was beautiful. The way his eyes looked into my soul, wanting me so badly all the time, it made me feel wanted, because I’ve been unwanted from the moment I was conceived. His love made me feel special, his love made me feel alive. Ahh! I wish I could walk back home to him. There is something about the first time you fall in love. It just doesn’t feel the same after that first time! And I never found another love like Nirvaan.

But as I try to pull myself together, I also realize that the financial independence I gained over the last few years has helped me plaster those wounds. I tell myself that my scars are a sign of survival, not weakness. So, I wear my bad days and my anxiety like a badge of honour. I refuse to be defined by my past. I have risen from the depths of despair like a phoenix rises from the ashes, and I will forge my destiny on my own terms, no matter what. I’ll be my very own ray of sunshine even when the clouds of unhappiness decide to descend.

I believe in the power of time. It’s always moving, always changing—sometimes it brings joy, sometimes challenges. But I hold on to my faith in time, because just as it changes for others, I know my time will change too.

What Is Love?

AILENA