“We’re adults. We’re professionals. I’m kicking off a really big next chapter in my life, and I want you to be there with me for it—officially. But before I get out here and make a big old fool of myself, I thought it might be smart to ask how you feel about that.”

“Adam, right now? I mean, we just had a pretty rough conversation the other night.”

“No need to go back there,” he says firmly.

“Of course, but . . . wow. Babe, I’m so proud of what you’re doing and excited for you. Yes, I want to be there for it all.”

He leans in closer, puts a hand over mine, and speaks the warmest words I’ve ever heard from him.

“I want to wake up to you every day. I don’t want to text you to find out what you’re doing. I want to be more than your date. I know asking for more than this is a lot for you, but I think we deserve to give us a real shot. Officially.”

Officially? I should be swooning. But I had so much I wanted to tell him tonight. I was going to leave nothing out.

But how can I tell him that I sometimes soak in my grief? That I dream of one day finding where my family is buried and laying flowers at their graves? That I have kept all this from him until now?

And if he’s changed his feelings about marriage, then is he changing how he feels about children? Does he think I’m going to change how I feel about children? I already know I won’t. I wouldn’t wish myself as a mother on any child. I think of my mother and know that I could never be as present or as patient or as gentle as her. No child deserves any less.

I’ve thought a lot about how tightly my mother clung to us because she’d already lost my sister. Her scars were visible. And I know what I saw in her face in that final second of grief and that grief would have killed her if a bullet hadn’t.

I am not as brave as my mother. I don’t dare make myself as vulnerable as she was, taking a chance that might break me all over again.

“So, let me hear it, Ary. Are you ready for this? Do I renew my lease or not?”

I bring my face to his, hold my hand against his cheek. There is excitement in his eyes.

“I did not see this coming,” I tell him. “My head is spinning a little, to be honest, but in a good way. Give me a little time to get my thoughts straight. Can you come over tonight?”

Adam shakes his head, but he looks encouraged.

“I have to be in the office early. What about tomorrow?”