He flags down a taxi and helps me inside like I’m some battered princess who can’t do anything for herself, but in some ways, that’s exactly what I feel like. Totally and completely defeated. Nate wraps an arm around me and holds it there the entire ride downtown. I lean my head on his shoulder and close my eyes as silent tears roll down my face.

When we pull up in front of our building, I barely move. I want Nate to pick me up and carry me in his arms, but of course I don’t ask. I don’t say anything. I can’t. My mind is moving too fast. I can’t keep up with any of my thoughts.

As soon as we step out of the car, it happens.

Bright lights.

Fifty cameras flashing at once.

A cacophony of shouting people, some screaming, waving microphones, thrusting them in my face.

I don’t know where to look.

I feel Nate’s hand grip mine and I grip his back. “Ignore them. Keep your head down.”

I try to ignore them, but their overlapping words echo inside my head until they sound something like pain.

When we walk inside, all I can think about is getting this stale smell off my skin. “I’m getting a shower,” I tell Nate, not pausing to look back at him. He says okay and lets me be.

I walk right into the bathroom and start stripping out of my clothes. I avoid the mirror. I can’t look at myself like this. I know I look horrible. Like all the life has been sucked out of me.

I turn on the spray and wait for the water to warm up before stepping in. I stay under the pounding heat for as long as I can, until the heat doesn’t feel good anymore, then I grab a bottle of shampoo off the shelf and start to wash my hair.

My head jerks toward the door when I hear footsteps. Nate doesn’t say anything as he slides the glass open. I stare at him, but he still doesn’t speak. His hands go over his head as he tugs off his shirt. I watch him undress in silence; I can’t think of anything to say, either. I feel dazed. I lean my head against the cold tile, and water laps at my feet. When Nate steps into the stall with me, I turn my back to him so the spray can run over my face for a while and wash away the tears.

He grips my stomach, then moves his hands up my body, but there is nothing sexual about his touch. It’s raw and nurturing. “I missed you so much.”

I turn slightly to watch him for a moment. I’ve never seen him this vulnerable. It’s only been a few days, but I know what he means. With me gone, he was starting to imagine the day that I wouldn’t come back. I’d started thinking the same thing.