We’d never spoken about it. In the light of day, I hadn’t wanted to bring it up, hadn’t wanted to know in what way he meant it. Later, it was easier to just assume he loved me as a friend—of course that was how he meant it, and I felt the same. But it always hung between us as the last real thing we’d shared.

“It could have been you,” he said, breaking the silence.

His voice sounded too loud and too everywhere. Our hips were still touching, so with one soft push on his chest, I put space between us again. “What are you talking about?”

“You and Penny,” said Chad. He ducked his head as if embarrassed. “I liked you both. It was just that she asked me out first.”

Something inside me sparked. It was half anger, half interest. I stifled the latter to focus on the former. He had liked us both? As if the outcome didn’t matter, as if Penny didn’t matter. What an asshole.

“Wow,” I scoffed. “That’s pretty shitty. We’re not interchangeable.”

“That’s not how I meant it!” Chad looked up, eyes flaring with emotion. “You’re both my best friends. I love you both.”

Years ago, I’d been at Penny’s house for a sleepover when she’d dared me to call him and ask him out. I’d been too chicken, so she’d grabbed the phone from me and raced to the bathroom. I’d gone screeching after her, freaked out that she would say something dumb and embarrass me. She’d locked the door behind her, cackling, turning it off just long enough to very sweetly ask for Chad when his mom picked up the phone.

I had no idea how long I’d waited outside the door, uncertainty and excitement giving me that prickly having-to-pee feeling. Would he say yes? Or would he think it was super weird that I didn’t have the guts to ask him out myself? When it finally opened, Penny was the one who had the date with Chad, not me. She hadn’t realized how much I’d wanted him back then, not even when I shoved my way into her bathroom and slammed the door. I stayed there for half an hour, pretending I was sick, even when Mrs. Wang came to ask if I was okay.

I didn’t want a reason to feel more upset right now. Hearing that it could have so easily been me wasn’t the soothing balm that Chad had intended. It was dumping the whole salt shaker into an open wound.

The space between my eyes was beginning to hurt. “I should go.”

“Babe, wait.”

“You’re her boyfriend,” I said heatedly, but he cut me off.

“Ex-boyfriend.” Chad exhaled. “Remember?”

I glared. Considering what had just happened, I wasn’t likely to forget.