Touched at his concern, I nodded. “Yeah. I’ll let you know I got there okay.” I swung one leg over the bicycle and adjusted myself on the seat, wincing at the hot leather.

“Good night, Levi!” I called over my shoulder as I pedaled away. More than anything, I wanted to turn around and go back to him, dive into his arms, and kiss him again. I wanted to assure him he hadn’t done anything wrong, that everything was still okay. I wanted to lead him upstairs and close the bedroom door. But I didn’t do any of those things. It was usually me getting left behind, but this time, I was the one doing the leaving.

fourteen

Sleep didn’t come easy after I left Levi’s place. Too on edge to stay still, I’d paced in my kitchen until realizing how unproductive that was. Then I’d swapped walking for baking, and my stomach had thanked me for it. But even that didn’t help me go to bed. All I could see stretching in front of me were the next four years he’d be at college. The times he’d be too busy studying, or hanging out with his dorm friends, or the moment he realized long-distance just wasn’t cutting it. Being without him.

I’d done this song and dance with Elodie already. I didn’t want a repeat. I didn’t want to pull a Band-Aid off slow. I’d rather let the hurt in all at once instead of little by little, torturing myself over the months, the years.

I knew what Lucy would tell me. I’d say What if we break up? What if it ends in heartbreak? And she’d say What if it doesn’t? She’d tell me to go after what I wanted, even if it meant letting someone in. Letting them have the power to hurt me just by being them. Like Mom. Like El.

Which was why, the next day, when I woke up after a restless night’s sleep, I decided not to tell her. She was coming over to get ready for the Clamshell Queen pageant. I wouldn’t be entering this year—I didn’t have a chance without Mrs. Wang and her sewing machine to help me with a dress. My heart wasn’t in it, anyway. The years I’d competed had been because Penny signed us up. It wasn’t really my thing.