how do you just

put it down?

—we will always be unfinished

love is not always perfect,

no matter how desperately

you want it to be.

it always has

a point to prove.

i could not understand

the lesson love was trying

to teach me.

i could not love you

the way you needed me to,

because i still did not know

how to love myself.

you were such a long beginning with such a fast, quick end. it was like a door being locked tight just as we reached for the handle.

sometimes i think about what might have been waiting on the other side.

—i doubt i’ll ever know

a few weeks ago

i saw that you were

with a girl

and that she made you

the happiest you’ve ever been.

thank god,

i remember saying to myself,

thank god you are finally

getting the love that

you deserve.

i know

we don’t speak

often,

but i’m still here

if you need me.

on the off chance

you find yourself

alone again,

i will be here.

always.

—that’’s what friends are for

i am a girl

who has been broken

but that

is not

the reason

i am beautiful

—i will always be more than my pain

love

should not feel

like you’re constantly

doing somebody a favor.

love

should not feel

like a waste of

your time.

if you look at them

and can already feel

them draining you,

go.

it is not your time.

they are not your person.

i do not exist

just to satisfy

your savior complex

—take your white-knight bullshit somewhere else

you once said

that you did not like to read

my poetry because

it upset you.

i hope that if you ever

read this,

you will find yourself

smiling with the knowledge

that i have grown into

the kind of person

who is less selfish

and more thoughtful,

less angry

and more gentle,

less sad

and wiser.

i hope that

you will smile,

knowing that i have

taken what you taught me

and taught it to

everyone who would listen.

to ocean blue,

it’s been too long since we last spoke. i have to say, even now, i find myself missing your friendship. i hope that one day we find time to sit down and really try to make something grow again. i would like that. i think the wounds are healed.

you were, when we were close, always the better half. even though i didn’t know that at the time (or i did know, i just didn’t want to admit it), you were a lot kinder than i was. i think that, despite all the growing i’ve done, you still might be. and perhaps that is due to what you’ve gone through—the things you told me that i would never dare write in this book. no, you trusted those with me, and i would not dare betray that trust.

i didn’t want you to be a lesson. and although i am grateful for what you taught me about the mind and heart, i do wish i had been ready to just love you. i think our high-school years would have been a lot more peaceful.