you knew this and turned the other way.

i wanted somebody who faced it head on.

loved me harder just to spite it.

we were always too different to be able to last,

and i don’t say that like it’s a bad thing,

i say it like that’s okay, like that’s normal,

because it is.

i fell in love with you because you showed me

a kindness in love that i had not seen yet,

a kindness that i would not see after you for a long time,

a kindness i did not appreciate as much as i should have.

i found the simplicity of us intriguing first,

irritating second, and destructive last.

we were always running out of time.

nothing about us ever really clicked into place. in a weird, disjunct type of way, we moved as one.

everybody could tell something about us was always slightly out of sync.

everybody except us, it seemed.

you see,

i was just so tired

of being the one

who was left.

i was so tired

of having attachments

chopped in half

without any warning,

of having my heart dropped

and shattered on the ground

without giving me any time

to try and catch it.

so the one time we fought,

i saw the end hidden behind

every single word.

every you’re too much of this

and you’re not enough of that

screamed another message,

loud and clear:

i am falling out of love with you.

i am going to leave you.

this is the end.

this is the end.

this is the end.

i don’t even know if you knew it yet,

but i did.

and i was just so tired

of being the one

who was left.

things that remind me of you #3

actual dates / meeting my grandparents / forrest gump / ease / peace and quiet / laundry detergent / cautious touches / gentle questions / silver pendants / flashlight tag / going to church for the first time / separating loving another person and loving yourself /

/ knowing my worth /

/ knowing my beauty /

/ knowing it for the first time /

/ learning love can just be easy /

/ learning that doesn’t mean that it’s forever /

/ learning that walking away doesn’t always have to hurt /

/ feeling love die /

/ feeling love die and being okay with it /

it was followed by a silence

i could only describe as dying:

the final ember’s glow faded.

the butterflies laid their wings

down for the very last time.

—our last kiss

before you,

i didn’t know

love could

end like that.

soft and quiet,

like falling asleep.

it was after

we ended

that i realized:

you were the first one

to make me feel beautiful

that didn’t take it with you

when you left

—i knew better than to let you

you were my rose, my glowing flower. i did everything to keep you alive and well.

but the storm came and it rained. i thought it would stop, but it kept raining, and raining, and raining. and your petals drooped under the weight, and your stem broke, and the storm kept on, flooding me with its rain until i could see nothing else. and eventually i let it. embraced the feeling of it against my skin and forgot how it felt to love a rose like you.