There is only one place in the city where Hans Eiger will eat lunch it is called the Hirschen. He eats there every day at the same table. He never books. He just comes at exactly the same time and he eats the same thing.

I do not sit at Hans Eiger’s table.

I sit at the table opposite.

I order the salmon.

Hans Eiger absolutely hates salmon. He cannot stand the smell of it.

The steam blows from my table over his because that is why I chose this table.

I can see him hating it but it would be remarkably inappropriate in almost every way for him to object so he can’t.

I eat my salmon. It is excellent. I make little noises.

Omnomnom.

Hans Eiger sits under the stuffed badger and the crossed wooden skis and he eats schnitzel. It is reputedly the second best schnitzel in the world but only because the Kronenhalle in Zürich always and forever holds the top slot and you cannot go to the Kronenhalle every day from Bern and still get anything done with your morning.

Hans Eiger eats his schnitzel and smells my salmon and I look at him and I say:

“O hai! It is me Banjo! You are Hans Eiger I claim my five dollars!”

“Excuse me?”

“It is a joke a very old one hi! We met at the art thing with Herr Doktor Doktor Paul how are you?”

“To be honest Herr—”

“Banjo Telemark—”

“Yes of course Herr Telemark I am having a difficult day and I wish to repose—is that how it is said?—to repose myself and consider and so forth—”

“O I totally understand I am right now making art—hey listen—hey actually can we talk I want to rob your bank—”

“What?”

“Obviously not for real! I would not tell you that. That would be insane.”

“Obviously.”

“I want to rob your bank—like conceptually—like I want to bring in bulldozers and so on—real actual physical bulldozers that you would never ever allow like American monster machines that Chinese thing they use that lays like a half-mile bridge in a day that kind of—and have fireworks for demolitions and music like ‘The Imperial March’—and maybe performance artists in swimsuits eating fire and someone dressed as a bear because you know Bern—”

“I do not think it is appropriate to the reputation of my bank—”

“BULLDOZERS how cool would that be and also maybe actors in commando outfits and we could have pink paintball and—”

“Inappropriate—”

“BULLDOZERS—”

“NO—”

People are noticing our little chat now and Hans Eiger does not want that because Banjo Telemark is not someone he wants to be seen talking to. Banjo is harshing his Swissness buzz.