My skin crawls as I pass through the city gates. I recognize the guards from all the times I’ve come and gone, but now, as the noise and trappings of Ampara surround me, I remember more. Images of being driven through Khaygal Outpost in chains, guards aiming kicks at my ribs when I stumble, dust from the road caking onto my wounds. Mixed in with these pictures are newer memories of trips to the market, tavern outings with Walgash, coming home after visiting Zivah. I feel as if I’ve lived two lives, and I suppose I have.

At the palace gates, I walk through the three sets of guards. I tell myself not to black out, not to lose track of reality. One step after the other.

And then I’m in. Up ahead of me are the ornate buildings of the palace, and I turn right toward the barracks. Soldiers pass by me. A spearman from Neju’s Guard nods a greeting, and I return it. My blood pounds through my veins. I’m all right. I’m here.

“Dineas!”

My chest constricts.

“Dineas,” Arxa calls again.

Sweat breaks out over my skin. I take a deep breath and turn around. “Commander, sir.”

“Your helmet’s been looking the worse for wear. Report to the armorer tomorrow for a sturdier one.”

It seems impossible that he can’t see my thoughts, sense my fingers itching for my dagger. I could run him through right here, and he wouldn’t think to stop me.

“Yes, sir,” I say. “Thank you.” I should cut off my tongue.

Arxa furrows his brow. “What’s bothering you, soldier?”

It’s maddening that part of me actually feels grateful for his attention. I scramble for a lie, something close to the truth. “Nothing of importance, sir. Just personal matters.” I let my gaze flicker in the direction of the rosemarked compound, let my thoughts go to Zivah. It’s not hard to summon a flash of confusion across my face.

Comprehension crosses Arxa’s eyes. “A good farewell is just as important to a mission as a good sword,” he says. “Weigh your words carefully, and say nothing you will regret. Remember that we fight for those we love. That is what lends us strength on the battlefield.”

Is Arxa capable of love? I see him with his daughter, and then I see him torturing Tus. I lower my head. “Thank you, Commander.”

He walks away. It’s a while before I can do the same.

Chapter Forty-three

I know something’s wrong when I return to the villa this evening. Two umbertouched soldiers stand at the door, and they’re not our usual guards.

“Are you Healer Zivah?” the closest soldier asks.

“Yes,” I say.

He holds up a clay tablet. “I have orders to take you under guard, to face accusations of poisoning Emperor Kurosh.”

My mouth goes dry. “You are mistaken.”