I do think, though, that there are parts of us that would be the same, no matter what our lives are like. You, my dear sister, would be compassionate, hardworking, and intelligent, whether you were a healer, a seamstress, or a goatherd. I’m sure of it. Perhaps, with your Dineas, you get to see a version of him that is unmarred by time. Be good to him, for his sake. Not all of us get the chance to start our lives anew.

I wonder what Leora would think if she knew the whole story. That not only do I have the new Dineas, but I also have the old Dineas with me, and that they hardly ever agree. That I’ve become too close to one, and soon I’ll have to face the other. He’ll be angry with me, and rightly so. I’ve broken his trust, and I’ll have to answer for it.

But it’s more than his anger that I fear. I revealed too much in that garden, thoughts and fears that I hadn’t even quite acknowledged to myself. It was hard enough to share them with the Dineas who loves me. For the other to know as well…I don’t know how I will bear it.

A few nights after the feast, a messenger comes for me from Utana. “His Excellency is in great pain and requests your help.”

“Headaches?” I ask.

“Yes, Healer.”

Worsening headaches over time are a common symptom of the fever’s return. There’s not much that can be done, except to numb the pain when it happens. I grab a few supplies and head to his house. I find the old man sitting on his bed, drenched in sweat.

I rush to his side. “Is it bad?”

He nods, squeezing his eyes shut. “It normally comes and goes, but it’s been bad today.”

“I have some herbs bundled I can burn for you. It takes away pain, but it also puts you in a trance. You’ll be awake, but more trusting and obedient to others. You’ll remember your time being treated, but it will have the quality of a dream. Would you like me to burn it for you?”

He nods, rocking back and forth with the pain.

I move quickly, requesting a plate from the servant and then sending him outside. I tie a damp cloth over my nose and mouth, then hold a flame to the herb packet until it starts to smolder and a thin stream of smoke snakes up toward the ceiling. Carefully, I help Utana lie down on his bed. After a few moments, he lets out a deep sigh.

“Better?” I ask.

“Very much.”