“He’s alive!” someone screams.

“Everyone get back! Lifeguard coming through.”

A human head blocks out the sun. Suddenly hands are moving my face, tilting my chin. It takes my eyes a moment to adjust to the change in light, to actually be able to see for a second, but when they do, I snap my head to the side.

Because a human is trying to kiss me.

“What the flick is wrong with you?” I’m so caught off guard, the mer-ism blares out my throat. Elder Crab said, short of sex, kissing was the most intimate way to interact with another human, and I knew the second they described mashing mouths together I was going to avoid it at all costs.

The person pulls back and throws up their hands, palms out. “I’m sorry,” they say. “I was just trying to help.”

I glare at them. “By trying to suck my face off? Where I’m from, there’s a thing called consent!”

They stand and back away, giving me the space to sit up and try to find the quickest route out of here. But the would-be kisser is in my line of sight. They’re masculine-presenting, tall, round, hairy. Sturdy, like a polar bear. That mix of gentle giant but could totally go off if you get on their bad side.

“I’m a lifeguard,” they say. “You weren’t moving. I thought you may have aspirated water, so I was about to give you mouth-to-mouth. Haven’t you heard of it?”

“Yeah, it’s called kissing, and as far as I’ve been told, you don’t lock lips without asking first. Just like fins.” My voice catches when I realize what I’ve said. “Fingers. You know. Holding hands?”

“So, you’re okay?” they ask.

“The only thing bothering me now is you.” I know I’m supposed to help someone while I’m up here, but can’t a mer get a minute to acclimate first? Lifeguard here seems perfectly happy to butt in where they’re not welcome. Typical human.

“You look like you nearly drowned out there,” Lifeguard says. “You’re completely soaked.” They point a thick finger at the jeans that must have appeared the second I washed onshore, but then their hand falls. My pants aren’t soaked at all. “Wait,” they breathe. “I thought—” They scan me up and down, then blink hard a few times, like they’re making sure their eyes aren’t playing tricks on them. I probably was wet when the Blue first dumped me up here, but the Transformation magic has fully taken over now. Fully human body, fully clothed, fully dry.

“I was just napping,” I finally say, since it’s clear this person is going to give me that dazed blobfish expression the rest of the day.

“Napping?”