The weirdest thing about all of this is that’s the only thing I can remember from that day: the way Ross felt in my arms. I can’t remember the truck coming for me, the sound of the fire hydrant bursting, none of that. I just see it in the videos like something I should remember. But all I can do is feel Ross’s weight, see the way they looked at me while we ran back to Kavya’s car. It was like they knew they were safe and that I could be trusted. And when I started drying them off in Suri Cruiser, I swear they leaned into me a few times, then leaned back, like the tide creeping farther and farther up the beach, then pulling back just before the water hits your toes. Every time I replayed the moment in my head, I couldn’t stop thinking about what it would have been like for Ross to pull me in for a kiss. If the moment our lips touched would feel like that explosion of sensation when the tide washes over your shins, a cool rush that’s equal parts shocking and exhilarating. Wondering what it would be like to kiss, unplanned, not as a part of our shot list. Gently pressing my torso against theirs, nothing but a towel separating me from their totally naked body.

A sharp snap and a burst of pain in my butt bring me back to reality. Kavya, with her towel whip. “Go get ’em, tiger! I’ll see you after your big moment.” She makes kissy faces while she laughs, walking backward to join Ross in the stands. Good thing too, because stuff was getting worked up while I zoned out and I do not need Kavya watching me while I adjust my junk in this Speedo.

I take a deep breath and try to calm myself down there while also trying to settle my nerves. I’m weirdly jittery. I never get nervous before a meet, and last year I ranked third in the district for the 100-meter backstroke, which I’m minutes away from competing in. This is my thing. The only difference this time is that Ross is in the audience, and they are a real swimmer. Sure, I’m technically a real swimmer too, but I haven’t lived my entire life underwater. What if they think I look stupid? What if they see my arms flailing about and can’t get over how ridiculous humans look swimming and then they never take me seriously again? That is definitely not sexy, and what I need to be thought of right now is seriously kiss-worthy so when Ross and I finally, actually kiss, Dominic is crushed that he doesn’t have a right to my lips, my thighs, or my body anymore and wants it all back.