Can I trust him? Can I put blind faith into someone? A man?

If it were just me… maybe I could take the leap. But I can’t think just about myself. I haven’t for most of my adult life. Tegan’s wellbeing will always come before anything else, and I can’t bring another man into our lives who has secrets. However innocent he claims they are, I need total transparency in a relationship.

I shake my head. “Sorry, I can’t.”

Lucas’ eyes turn sad. “Then you’re right, we have nothing else to say to each other. Sorry, I have to go now.”

Without another word, he crosses the street and walks away from me. And, I guess, out of my life for good. If that’s what I was after, then why does it still hurt so much?

Thirty

Vivian

Three weeks later, I’m still nursing my heartbreak. The cure, I’ve decided, is excessive work during the day, and an endless stream of covert, late nights spent watching romantic movies and eating ice cream—the heavy stuff. To protect my daughter, I always wait until Tegan has gone to bed and can’t see me before I start my sad nightly routine. But even if I’ve tried to maintain a strong façade in front of her, I’m not convinced she’s bought my act. Lately, she never goes out except for movies with friends on Saturday nights, and why else would a teenager spend so much time at home if not to keep her heartbroken mother company?

Tonight, however, I must make more noise than usual, because halfway through my regular sob-fest, Tegan pokes her head into the living room.

She takes me in, along with the ice cream bucket I’m holding—I opted for the saving size package—and with a sigh she sits at the other end of the couch, chin bowed low.

“Mom, are you sad about Luke?” she asks without looking up.

“No, honey, I’m fine. It’s just the movie.”

Tegan stares at the screen, where Forgetting Sarah Marshall is playing. Hardly a tear-jerker. If my excuse wasn’t paper thin enough already, I shift my legs on the couch and a Polaroid picture of Lucas falls on the carpet. I found the photo in Tegan’s room and I couldn’t resist. She must’ve taken it outside our office, I don’t know when, and Lucas just looks so handsome in it.

My daughter picks up the photo from the floor. “Why aren’t you seeing him anymore?”

“It’s complicated, honey, but the bottom line is I couldn’t trust him.”

“For what it’s worth, Mom, I really like him. He’d make a great stepdad.”

This affirmation pulls on all the wrong strings and makes my heart break into even smaller pieces.