“Okay,” Leslie says. “So if you’re rushing through Midtown with secret, unwrapped presents I’m not supposed to know about, why are you calling me?”

“That man you put in the office next to mine—I need him gone.”

“Who, Lucas? Why? I know when you met him he seemed a little crazed, but he was stressed about finding a new office and he had his heart set on a corner one. But, usually, he’s a nice guy, I swear. Actually…”

“What?” I ask.

“Garrett and I couldn’t wait to introduce you guys… We hoped you would, you know, hit it off or something.”

I scoff. “With that maniac?”

“He’s not—it doesn’t matter. Luke probably isn’t ready yet, anyway.”

I take the bait. “Not ready, why?”

“His last girlfriend walked out on him, a total blindside, no one saw it coming.”

Ah, so much for being the greatest couples’ therapist of the century. He couldn’t even keep his house in order. I store the information of his ass being dumped not that long ago into his file in my brain. I need all the ammunition I can get.

“Boo-hoo!” I say, unmoved. “I’m heartbroken, but I still want him gone.”

“Why?”

“You can’t put a couples’ therapist next to a divorce attorney, Lee! Not a week in, and he’s already poaching all my clients.”

“Wait, what? I thought you guys operated at opposite ends of the spectrum. How is he stealing your clients?”

“By turning a bitter wife and an unromantic husband into turtle doves after a magic hour with him is how.”

“And that’s a bad thing?”

“Of course it is! Come on, you really think years of issues can just vanish with a snap of his fingers? The problems are still there, and once his magic spell wears off, the Thomases are going to be right back where they started.” I pause, huff, then add, “Not to mention he’s stealing my business! How am I supposed to pay for Tegan’s college tuition if he keeps brainwashing my clients? You have to kick him out of the building, Lee. Tell me there’s a way.”

“Afraid not, honey, his contract is as ironclad as yours.”

“Are you telling me I have no chance of getting rid of him?”

“No, not unless he goes voluntarily. But I honestly don’t see that happening.”

We hang up shortly afterward, and I hurry to catch the subway back to Dumbo. On the train, while I’m jostled and tossed around like a pinball, I brood over the Master Puppeteer of Hearts. I have to get rid of him. Shrek can’t come on my home turf, steal my clients like it’s nobody’s business, and expect no retaliation. Nuh-uh, mister, you picked the wrong divorce lawyer to mess with.

Five

Lucas